


What Shepard Wanted More Than Freedom

by prettysemmy



Series: Reasons [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, Love Triangle, M/M, Minor Violence, POV Kaidan Alenko, POV Male Shepard, Underage (17/14), Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-07-05
Packaged: 2017-11-05 12:04:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysemmy/pseuds/prettysemmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He found out Kaidan was at Jump Zero getting training for his biotic powers.  "Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training" it was called. Shepard thought it sounded fucked up, but if that was where Kaidan was, then that's where Shepard wanted to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a little clarity of what happened between part 1 and part 2, see notes at the end of this chapter.

It took a couple years for Shepard to realize his feelings for Kaidan might have been a little more than gratitude. Maybe something like hero worship, but there was a good chance it was more like a crush.

It was still a couple more years before he determined, that, yes, he was in fact gay. He could be with a girl; it wasn’t like he didn’t find them attractive. He also kind of had a thing for asari (but then again, everybody kind of has a thing for asari), but he definitely liked guys better. Brunets.

So, yeah, Kaidan kind of had this place in his heart, that might have been real or it might have been idealized, but what Kaidan had done for him had been a really big deal for a seven-year-old. For a seven-year-old with Shepard's history, it had…

…well, it'd made him a little obsessed with finding Kaidan again.

And he had. He found out Kaidan was at Jump Zero getting training for his biotic powers. "Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training" it was called. Shepard thought it sounded fucked up, but if that was where Kaidan was, then that's where Shepard wanted to be.

Lucky for Shepard, he had biotic powers too. Took an Element Zero "accident" and some wonderful "research" from his good friends at Cerberus to find out, but he was now the proud owner some seriously amped up biotic powers.

About a year ago, Shepard and a little girl, Jack, had escaped from Cerberus's biotic fuck-up facility and eventually made it onto an Alliance ship. The Alliance had actually been really great to both of them, but that might've been because Captain Anderson made sure that no one fucked with them and Doctor Chakwas said she would make sure they were taken care of. They got to stay on the ship and they finally had something kind of like a home.

But then Shepard had heard about Kaidan. Kaidan's dad was Alliance and news got around (especially if you're looking for it in secret databases). But as soon as Shepard knew where Kaidan was, he couldn’t really think about anything else. He had to go.

So he'd told Jack he was leaving and why; said he would be back for her soon, but that there was something he needed to do.

And that’s where he's at right now, walking through the doors to BAaT, minutes away from seeing Kaidan.

He was actually nervous as shit. And Shepard _never_ got nervous. But it's _Kaidan_. He’s going to finally see _Kaidan_ again.

He had wondered (how could he not?) if he would feel something when he saw his childhood crush. Seven years was a long time for a fourteen-year-old and things change. Shepard had changed. Kaidan might be a completely different person.

He was met at the door by an administrator. The guy took Shepard's bag and told him they were still working out a room for him but that he should go to the mess hall and get some dinner. Most of the kids were in there right now anyway.

 _Okay, okay, you can do this_ , Shepard said to himself as he walked through the doors. And it was _so easy_ to find him, like he couldn't even look anywhere else.

Seventeen-year-old Kaidan.

Seventeen-year-old, _hot-as-fuck_ , Kaidan Alenko.

Feel something when he saw Kaidan? Yeah. Like a punch to the gut. Followed swiftly by a kick to the nuts when he saw what had Kaidan's attention.

And then the little brunette noticed him staring. She turned to Kaidan and said something, pointing in Shepard's direction. Kaidan smiled at what she said and turned. Shepard took in a sharp breath.

He felt like time stopped as their eyes met and held. Kaidan's eyes widened and he dropped his fork with a loud clatter.

Kaidan recognized him. Kaidan. Recognized. Him. Shepard's heart started beating faster. Then Kaidan stood up and started walking towards him. It took Shepard a moment to realize he was walking towards Kaidan as well.

And that's...when he ran into a table. "Shit," he swore quietly and looked away to avoid making a total ass of himself by falling.

When he looked back up, Kaidan was standing in front of him. "Shepard," Kaidan said, breathless and _so_ surprised.

Wow, even his voice was hot-as-fuck.

"It’s...been a long time, Kaidan," Shepard said, and tried to sound cool. He didn't quite succeed because he had to clear his throat after the first word came out too high pitched.

"Yeah," Kaidan said and reached out to wrap Shepard up in his arms. "I never thought I'd see you again. I missed you so much."

Shepard let out a nervous chuckle, "I...uh...missed you too, Kaidan," he said and moved his arms to hold Kaidan awkwardly. He wasn't really used to hugging, but there was no way he was going to give up the opportunity to have Kaidan in his arms just because he didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

It was only after Kaidan stepped back that Shepard looked around and noticed everyone was staring at them.

"Well, this is awkward," Shepard said.

Kaidan just smiled at him, "Come on, I want you to meet my friend."

Kaidan lead him back to his table and the little brunette. "Shepard, I'd like you to meet Rahna. Rahna, this is my friend Shepard. We knew each other when we were kids."

"Hi, Shepard, it's nice to meet you," she looked up at him with pretty, big, chocolate eyes and full lips formed into a easy, real, smile. She was beautiful.

And she was, like, a really good person too; sweet, sincere, caring, honest. She was a little weak, too weak for Kaidan in Shepard's opinion, but otherwise she was absolutely perfect.

Shepard pretty much hated her right away. "It's nice to meet you too, Rahna," he said.

"So, how did you meet? Were you neighbors?"

"Um..." Kaidan said and Shepard looked at Kaidan expectantly, smirking a little. He decided to wait and see how Kaidan would explain them. "We...I...um..."

"Shepard," they were interrupted and Shepard frowned, a little bummed. The administrator continued, "We've got you registered, you'll start classes tomorrow. We're still working on a room, though. We'll have to move you into a double, there aren't any singles left."

"He can stay with me," Kaidan said, "I've got a double and no roommate." He turned to Shepard, "Would you like that?"

"Yeah! Uh..," he cleared his throat, "that would be great," he said, willing his voice to sound calmer.

"Great!" Kaidan said.

"Good," the administrator continued, "Thank you Mister Alenko." He turned to Shepard, "Your bag will be dropped off there shortly. Welcome to BAaT," he said and then left.

"Come on, let's go show you to your new room," Kaidan said, placing a hand on Shepard's arm, then he turned to Rahna, "I'm sorry, Rahna, I not going to be able to hang out with you tonight like we planned."

"It's okay Kaidan," she smiled warmly at him, "have fun catching up with your friend."

"I will. Thanks for understanding," he said, but he was looking at Shepard again. Shepard felt warm and he was probably blushing a little bit. Kaidan glanced back at her, "Bye, see you tomorrow," and then turned and led Shepard away.

They walked down a corridor and then into an atrium. The whole place was pretty dark and metal grey, but at least there were plants and quite a few windows to the stars. Shepard took in bits of it when he could drag his eyes away from Kaidan. Usually when Kaidan glanced at him. He hoped it wasn't obvious he was staring.

"You look good," Kaidan said.

Then Shepard...sort of...ran into...a bench. He would've fallen over if Kaidan hadn't grabbed his arm and pulled Shepard to him.

Shepard looked up at Kaidan's face, centimeters away from his, "I don't usually have this much trouble walking," he said breathlessly, absolutely mortified.

"You don't have to be embarrassed," Kaidan said, making sure Shepard was stable before letting him go, "I'm the only one who saw it," and then he bit his lip like he was having trouble not laughing.

"So I only have one person laughing at me. Wonderful," he said, but he couldn't help smiling like an idiot. Kaidan looked so cute like that. So happy. Kaidan chuckled softly in response.

"So, where have you been? What have you done? What's your new family like?" Kaidan asked when they continued walking.

"Whoa, too many questions!" Shepard said, holding up his hands, "One at a _time_ , Kaidan."

"Sorry," he said, sheepishly, then added, "Family then."

"Well, it's just me and Jack," Shepard said.

"Jack?"

Shepard looked up at him, "My little sister," he said, smiling fondly at the thought.

"You have a _sister_ ," Kaidan said, beaming, "Tell me about her."

"Well, it's not official, but she is in all the ways that matter." He looked down and smirked, "She's seven, really short, but she has enough attitude for someone three times her size. She swears all the time..."

"At seven?" Kaidan interrupted.

"Yeah, even worse than me," Shepard laughed, "A little bad ass. She's the most powerful biotic I've ever met."

"You sound really proud," Kaidan said, sounding proud.

"I am," Shepard said meeting Kaidan's eyes a little shyly.

Kaidan smiled at him for a second and then, "I'd really like to meet her," he said earnestly.

"Yeah?" Shepard said softly, "I'd really like that too."

Then Kaidan looked like he was starting up another question so Shepard interrupted, "So, Rahna. She seems like a nice girl." Shepard didn't really want to talk about her, but he wanted to talk about his past even less.

A huge smile came over Kaidan's face. "Yeah, she's wonderful." Shepard's hopes dropped a little more.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Shepard said, knowing his tone sounded nothing like casual. Thankfully Kaidan didn't notice.

"Not quite," he said and looked down with a soft smile, "but maybe soon."

"Great," Shepard choked out quietly, trying to mask the weird problem with his voice.

Kaidan finally looked up, "So, what about you?" he said, "Girlfriend?"

"No. No one right now."

"Well, you might meet someone here," Kaidan said, optimistically. "I'll introduce you to some girls tomorrow." Kaidan smiled at him, apparently excited about the prospect.

They slowed and stopped in front of a door. "So, this is your new home," Kaidan said and opened it.

Their room had two beds and two desks on opposite sides of the room. There was plenty of space and they had their own bathroom. There were no windows, but Kaidan had a vintage poster of a Vancouver sunset and lots of pictures--many of his parents or Kaidan and his friends in front of the grey walls of Jump Zero. There was even one of a seven-year-old Shepard on his birthday.

It was kind of perfect.

Kaidan was kind of perfect.

Shepard sat down on the bed on the emptier side of the room and discretely watched Kaidan, who was leaning casually against the wall.

"So," Kaidan said, "you haven't told me about the rest of your family and everything that has happened in the last seven and a half years."

 _Yeah, for good reason_ , Shepard thought.

He really didn't want to talk about it. Last time he had told Kaidan a little bit of his broken past, Kaidan had gotten really upset. Shepard had many more bad stories now. This moment...he didn't want to spoil it with all that.

"I was...well, it's a long and involved story," he said, side stepping, "It's too late to go into it now, I'm pretty tired. You know, from traveling and things...We'll talk about it later?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure, we'll talk later," Kaidan said, but Shepard could tell he was disappointed. "I'm going to head out for a little bit, alright? Sleep well Shepard." 

"Yeah, thanks Kaidan," he said softly, _for not making me talk about it_. He wasn't going to be able to avoid it forever, but for now, he had Kaidan back and Kaidan was happy. That was what really mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Earthborn Sentinal Shepard.
> 
>  **2161** \- (Jan.) Kaidan buys Earthborn homeless Shepard, (Feb.) Kaidan turns 10, (April) Shepard turns 7, (May) Shepard taken by Cerberus, (May) Shepard escapes Cerberus, (July) Jack born. Ages: (Kaidan - **9/10** , Shepard - **6/7** , Jack - 0)  
>  **2162** \- (11,8,1)  
>  **2163** \- (Nov.) Shepard's recieves secondary exposure to Element Zero, his biotic abilities manifest and he catches Cerberus' attention again. (12, **9** ,2)  
>  **2164** \- (Feb.) Shepard recaptured by Cerberus, Kaidan's biotic abilities manifest permanently. ( **13** , **9** ,2)  
>  **2165** \- (Aug.) Jack taken from Eden Prime, project on Pragia started for Subject Zero (Jack) and Subject One (Shepard). (14, **11** , **4** )  
>  **2166** \- Kaidan starts training at BAaT, Vyrnnus brought to Jump Zero. ( **15** ,12,5)  
>  **2167** \- Kaidan gets the L2 implant, (Oct.) Shepard and Jack escape. ( **16** , **13** , **6** )  
>  **2168** \- (March) Shepard and Jack are picked up by an Alliance ship, (Dec.) The Reunion. ( **17** , **13/14** , **6** /7)  
>  **2169** \- (Jan.) Kaidan kills Vyrnnus. ( **17** ,14,7)
> 
> I apologize if I got any of the actual canon timeline events completely wrong. I'm using the information I found on the interwebz, which may or may not be reliable, to try to blend known canon with my made up AU "canon" as well as I possibly can.
> 
>  **Sources:**  
> [Biotic Timeline Discussion](http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/944907-/56271466)  
> [Shepard Mass Effect Wiki](http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Commander_Shepard)  
> [Jack Mass Effect Wiki](http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Jack)  
>  Kaidan and Jack's birthdays were chosen to be the same as their voice actors, [Raphael Sparge](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0768620/) and [Courtenay Taylor](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1057696/).
> 
> Edit (7/6/2012): I changed my chapter titles again, they are no longer from "Lifening" by Snow Patrol, now they are just mine. Hopefully I won't feel the need to change them again. :(


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan walked to his favorite place on the station, the big window in the atrium. It was the best view of the Milky Way and usually empty at this time of night. He came here often, especially on the rough days. He would think about traveling the galaxy, about getting away from here someday.

But tonight his mind wasn't on the stars.

He paced once, twice, and then leaned his forehead on his arm against the window. He looked out, dazed and unseeing.

 _Shepard was here._ He couldn't wrap his mind around it. For so long he had wondered and worried and wanted to just find _anything_ to let him know Shepard was okay.

The way it had...ended. The way Shepard had left. Everything was just so _broken._

Kaidan had felt so broken.

He had come home and Shepard was just gone. His mom said Shepard chose to leave. That they'd found him a family and that Shepard chose _them._

Kaidan hadn't understood it. Still didn't. Shepard had been happy, hadn't he? For months Kaidan had asked himself the same question. He came up with hundreds of answers and no answers. He still needed to know and he was still afraid of what the real answer might be.

What had Shepard wanted that Kaidan couldn't give him?

 _But Shepard was **here**_. His Shepard. Here. _In Kaidan's_ **room**.

He had come back. And Kaidan knew, he didn't know how, but he _knew,_ Shepard had come here for him.

And the way Kaidan had felt. Seeing Shepard just _there._ After so long. And he looked...and Kaidan just...

He squeezed his eyes shut. It shocked him how badly he had wanted to grab and hold Shepard and not let him go. To not let anything bad happen to him _ever._

But something bad _had_ happened. Kaidan could tell. He took in several difficult breaths and tried to make the pain in his chest go away. Kaidan hadn't been able to protect him after all.

But it wasn't all bad. Something had gone right. Shepard's sister for one. And Kaidan knew that Shepard could take a lot of bad and then a little good and be so strong and resilient and happy anyway. He was amazing like that.

And Shepard _looked_ happy. Kaidan smiled and huffed a laugh when he thought about Shepard running into things and blushing. It was...well, it was really cute, actually.

"Kaidan," Rahna's Turkish accented voice interrupted his thoughts, "I didn't think I would find you here. I thought you would be hanging out with your friend."

Kaidan turned, shook his head to clear it, and then smiled at her. "He was tired from the travel, so he went to bed early."

"Oh," she said, looking up at him with a little frown of concern on her face, "well I'm glad he's getting some rest."

Kaidan looked back at the hallway to his room. Maybe he should head back to Shepard.

"He's very important to you, isn't he?" Rahna continued and Kaidan turned back to see her amused smile.

"Yes, he is," Kaidan answered and realized he was being ridiculous. Shepard didn't need his help _sleeping._

"He must be an amazing kid."

Not a kid anymore, Kaidan thought, but "He really is."

"Tell me about him," she said, looking at Kaidan fondly.

He frowned. He didn't really want to share Shepard just yet. Besides, the way they met was...a little hard to explain. He couldn't really say, 'meet my friend Shepard, I used to own him.' 

"I'll do better than that," he answered instead, "Let's all hang out tomorrow."

"I would love that Kaidan," Rahna said and then gave him one of her gorgeous bright smiles. Kaidan couldn't help the stupid smile he gave back to her.

When the warm moment started shifting to awkward he sighed and said, "Well, I better head to bed."

"Yeah, me too," she responded, waving her hand, obviously trying to come off as casual and not quite succeeding. She smiled, a little exasperated, like she knew it hadn't worked, and turned to go. Kaidan watched as she slowed her turn and then did a full 360 instead. "Um, Kaidan?" she said tentatively.

"Yes, Rahna?" He replied, totally amused by her at this point.

"Um, I, uh...'ll see you tomorrow," she finished, like that wasn't what she wanted to say at all.

She was doing that thing again, mumbling and blushing and just being totally cute, but Kaidan really wanted to get back to Shepard, so he didn't ask her what she really wanted to say. "Goodnight, Rahna," he said instead.

"Goodnight, Kaidan," she said after a sigh, but he was already heading down the hall.

And of course, Shepard was fine, still here and actually sleeping. Kaidan was still being ridiculous, but Shepard was just _so_ important to him. He was treasured and loved and honestly the intensity of the feeling was a bit confusing, but he wouldn't trade it for anything.

He reached out to touch Shepard but then stopped when he realized what he was doing. This was something he would have done when they were kids, but they were a lot older now and they barely knew each other. Why would Kaidan just assume he was allowed to touch Shepard? While _sleeping?_ He started to pull his hand back, but stopped again. Well, Shepard _was_ sleeping. He wouldn't mind...probably. Kaidan just really wanted...wanted to reassure himself Shepard was real.

He reached down and touched the side of Shepard's face. Traced Shepard's scar with his fingertip and then Shepard's lips with his thumb. Shepard hummed and then parted and licked his lips, grazing Kaidan's thumb with his tongue, but he didn't wake up.

Kaidan stepped back sharply and sat down hard on his bed. _Okay, Kaidan, stop being so creepy. He's real, you've proven it to yourself a couple times now. **Four times** ,_ his brain supplied, unhelpfully, and he decided to ignore it for now.

He got ready for bed quickly but it was a long time before he fell asleep, the sound of Shepard's breaths a comfort and a distraction.

When he woke up Shepard wasn't there, and to be completely honest, he kind of freaked out until he saw Shepard's bag. Okay, not a dream, he thought taking several deep breaths. Real. He had Shepard back for real.

He was surprised he had woken up so late. It was disturbing how easy it was to fall out of certain habits. They had only been on break for a week but he was already waking up at 8:00 instead of 5:00.

He showered and dressed quickly, then rushed to find Shepard...who was just hanging out in the mess hall looking totally comfortable chatting with Rahna. That was good, right?

"Hey, Kaidan!"

He turned toward the girl calling his name. "Hi Anna," he said and then glanced back at Shepard and Rahna.

"So, you know the Holiday Ball is coming up..." Anna continued.

Oh, the Ball! He had totally forgotten about it and it was only about a week away. Well, he had to get Shepard a date to the party. They could double. It would be fun and a great chance for Shepard to make some friends.

"...and I was wondering if...well I was really hoping that..." and then he realized what was happening, Anna was going to ask him to go with _her_. And he hadn't asked Rahna yet so he couldn't use that excuse.

"Anna," he interrupted, not sure he would be able to turn her down if she got it out, "I really want you to meet a friend of mine." He turned and found Shepard looking at him from across the room. It made him smile and Shepard smiled warmly back. "Shepard!" he said, waving him over.

When Shepard reached them he nudged Kaidan's shoulder with his. "You finally woke up, sleepy head," Shepard said and then squeezed his eyes shut. He was probably berating himself for his cool choice of words. What a dork, Kaidan thought fondly.

"You could have woken me you know," he said softly, but Shepard just looked back up and shrugged. _"So,"_ Kaidan continued, refocusing, "Shepard, I would like you to meet my friend Anna Wu," then turning to Anna, "Anna, this is Shepard. We, uh, spent a lot of time together when we were kids."

"Hi," Anna said cheerfully.

"So," Shepard said, leaning against the table trying to look suave and actually sort of succeeding, "I hear you're into competitive hacking."

Her eyes widened, "Oh, I love it," she said, looking excited to have someone to talk to about her favorite topic.

"So what do you think about the..." and, wow, that worked better than Kaidan thought it would. He hadn't thought they would hit it off _that_ well. He blinked at them, surprised, and then remembered what he was supposed to do next.

Right. Ask Rahna to the ball.

He walked over to where she was chatting with her best friend. They stopped talking as he reached them. "Sorry to interrupt, but," he said to both of them and then turned to Rahna, "I wanted to ask you something." The two girls gave each other a look and then Kate took off.

"So," he continued, feeling more and more awkward, "I was wondering if you'd like to, um, gotothedancewithme," he said, a bit too quickly.

But she just smiled like he'd given her the best present. "I would love to Kaidan," she said and then raised up onto her toes to kiss him on the cheek. He was a little bit dazed as she walked away. She was really...

"Earth to Kaidan," Shepard said snapping his fingers in front of him, interrupting his thoughts and making him jump.

"Um, sorry. I kind of spaced out there."

"I can see that," Shepard said, amused.

"Right," he said, shaking his head clear and turning to his friend, "So there's this ball."

"Yeah, I...heard about it. Rahna's a bit...excited," Shepard said, sounding very _not_ excited.

"I asked her to go with me," Kaidan added with a smile.

"That's great Kaidan," Shepard said, still not sounding excited, "So, uh, you're together now? Officially?"

"I think so...but that's not the point," he continued, "I think you should ask Anna to go with you."

"Kaidan, I _really_ don't think that's a good idea."

"It's a great idea, Shepard," he said in what he thought was a convincing tone, but Shepard just gave him a very doubtful look, so Kaidan changed tactics. "It will be a lot more fun for me if you come," he said, possibly using puppy-dog eyes. Shepard looked away and sighed like he was trying hard not to give in to Kaidan's begging. When it looked like Shepard was actually succeeding, Kaidan asked, "Why do you hate this idea so much?"

"I don't _hate_ it, it's just..." he trailed off and then sighed, looking around at anything but Kaidan, like he was searching for an answer. He finally growled and finished with, "I don't know how to dance."

"Is that all?" Kaidan said, excited. _This_ he could fix. "I can teach you how to dance. Come on," he said, grabbing Shepard's hand and pulling him back down the hall to their room.

Kaidan started teaching Shepard the basic waltz and by the third attempt Shepard had successfully stepped on him eight times and kicked him in the shin once.

By the sixth they added in a head bump to the injury list when they both looked down to their feet at the same time.

By the eleventh attempt Shepard had tripped Kaidan and they were in a pile on the floor.

"You weren't kidding were you?" Kaidan teased, looking at Shepard, who had landed partly on top of him and between his legs.

"I told you I sucked," Shepard said, frustrated, lifting his body up with hands on either side of Kaidan's waist.

"Let's try something different, okay?" Kaidan continued, not willing to give up yet.

"Ugh, you drive me crazy, you know that?" Shepard said, and then dropped his head back onto Kaidan's chest. It felt nice albeit a little weird because it was so much like cuddling.

"Alright, I think what you need is the slow dance. It's a bit simpler."

"Simple is good. Simple is really good. Why didn't we start with simple _first?_ " Shepard said, pouting, and then got up off of Kaidan.

Kaidan laughed at the look on his face, "You are _so_ ridiculous," he said grabbing Shepard's offered hand and being pulled up.

"And _you_ are a pain in my ass," Shepard said and then blushed and froze, dropping Kaidan's hand like it burned. Kaidan gave him a look--which he totally didn't see because he was avoiding Kaidan's eyes again. Shepard could be so weird sometimes. "I'm sorry. I'm ready to try again," Shepard said quietly when he finally looked back up.

"Okay, I'll be the girl. Your hands go on my waist like this," he said, maneuvering Shepard's hands into place, "and the girl will put her hands here on your shoulders."

Shepard just nodded gravely and Kaidan smiled at him for his seriousness.

"All you really do is sway, like this," he said dancing in a slow circle with Shepard. "See, you've got it. Nothing to worry about." Kaidan tried to get Shepard to meet his eyes so he could give him a reassuring smile. "Shepard," Kaidan chided when it wasn't working.

"Fine," Shepard said, exasperated, "this isn't so bad. It's...kind of nice," he said, _very_ reluctantly.

"Alright," Kaidan smiled like he had won some point and then continued, "this is a little awkward because I'm taller than you..."

"Not _that_ much taller," Shepard interrupted.

"Like four inches Shepard, that's a pretty big difference."

"Whatever Kaidan."

" _O-kay_. As I was saying, this is a little awkward because of the height difference but she might lean her head on your shoulder like this." But actually, that was a lot less awkward than he thought it would be. It was actually kind of nice. Shepard smelled _really_ good. Weird. What could he possibly smell like? He'd only used Kaidan's soap this morning and...

Kaidan moved his head closer to Shepard's neck to get a better scent. A shiver went through Shepard's body as Kaidan's nose grazed his neck. Kaidan froze. Did he just nuzzle Shepard's neck?! What was _wrong_ with him? It was really probably time to get back to Rahna. Especially since he was now wondering if Shepard tasted as good as he smelled.

"Well, I think you've got it figured out," Kaidan said, stepping back maybe a little too fast.

"Yeah, thanks Kaidan," Shepard said to the ground, "I think I'll, uh, go talk to Anna."

Kaidan opted not to bring up or apologize for his momentary insanity and everything went on just fine. Really. In fact the week leading to the dance seemed to go really fast. Anna and Shepard seemed to be getting along really well, which was great, and Kaidan got to spend lots of time with Shepard or Rahna or Shepard and Rahna.

He was a little disappointed that his relationship with Rahna didn't seem to have changed, but overall it was a really nice week. Before he knew it, he was standing next to Shepard waiting as the girls got ready for the party.

Anna got there first so Kaidan just watched them interacting while he waited. Shepard was wearing some of Kaidan's nice clothes because he didn't have any of his own. They were a bit too big, but it really made him look more huggable. Anna seemed to think he looked nice from the look she was giving him. Though that might have been more because she was trying not to laugh at Shepard's scowl.

"He's kind of like your brother, isn't he?" Kaidan startled at her voice and turned to his date.

Oh, wow. She looked amazing. She was wearing a white dress that looked beautiful against her light brown skin and the fit brought attention to her curves and tiny waist. She was really stunning. "Rahna Çelik, you look so beautiful tonight," he said when he finally got his voice to work.

"And you look very handsome, Kaidan Alenko," she said, with a small curtsy. 

"So, um, you said something? I'm so sorry, I have no idea what it was."

"No, it's fine," she said, smiling, taking Kaidan's distraction as the compliment that it was. "I was saying that Shepard seems like he's your little brother, with the way you look after him."

"Sort of, well, no, not quite. He definitely feels like family though."

He looked over at Shepard who was just standing there looking awkward and cute. Kaidan motioned toward Anna and mouthed, _dance with her,_ and Shepard rolled his eyes but lead Anna to the dance floor.

When he felt confident his friend was being taken care of, Kaidan turned back to Rahna, his beautiful maybe-girlfriend.

"Would you like a dance, my lady?" he said holding his hand out. She just smiled, biting her lip, and nodded. They waltzed and slow danced and even attempted a tango. Kaidan was having a lot of fun so it took him a while to realize Shepard was gone and had been for a while. Kaidan waited a little longer, but he was really starting to worry.

"Rahna, give me a second. I want to go check on Shepard," he finally said.

"What's wrong?"

"I think he left."

"I'm sure he's alright Kaidan," Rahna said in a reasonable tone, "Shepard's a big kid, he can take care of himself."

"Well, he didn't really want to come and I kind of forced him to..." he glanced towards the door, "I just want to make sure he's okay."

"Okay, if you're that worried," she said, starting to look concerned as well. "Will you be back?"

"I don't know. I'll um..."

"It's okay," she said, trying to sound reassuring and not sad. It didn't quite work. "My girlfriends are here," she said pointing vaguely back with her thumb. "I'll be fine. Go."

"Thank you. You are amazing," he said, grateful she was so understanding, and then leaned in and kissed her for the first time. Their lips met softly and with promise, but Kaidan pulled away, keeping it chaste for now. "You really look wonderful tonight," he said, squeezing her hands before letting go and stepping back.

"Go take care of your little brother," she said, smiling again, and just like that he was forgiven.

He felt really bad about leaving her, but if Shepard wasn't okay and it was Kaidan's fault, well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Edit (6.18.2012):** So Rahna is canonically from Turkey. This is a terrible oversight on my part so I am fixing it. Her last name is going to be Çelik, which is apparently a somewhat common Turkish last name, and it means "steel". I am changing her accent as well, which I am a little bit sad about, but canon is very important to me. I, however, feel no obligation to take away her made-up Indian lineage. People move and mix all the time and I don't think it's unreasonable that she would have some Indian ancestors and be given an Indian name.
> 
>  **Original Notes:** ~~Rahna's made up last name, Kanti, is a Sanskrit word for lovely or beauty. I decided to make Rahna be of part-Indian decent, but born in London with English parents.~~ The name Rahna, unfortunately, does not give you a good idea of where she could be from, so India was my best guess. ~~When I decided on~~ my model for her appearance, [is] English actress, [India de Beaufort](http://www.askmen.com/celebs/women/actress/india-de-beaufort/index.html), ~~I decided to change Rahna's nationality, but not her lineage, and give her a fun accent, like Traynor.~~ The white dress in the link is the dress I pictured her in for the Holiday Ball.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. Kaidan was kind of confusing the shit out of him right now.

With the way Kaidan looked at him sometimes, not to mention the hand holding and neck nuzzling and that first night when he had touched Shepard's lips...Kaidan had to like him like _"that,"_ at least a _little,_ right?

But the way he looked at Rahna...

_Ugh._

Seeing Kaidan dance with her, and smile and laugh and touch...Shepard rubbed his hands over his face. _Fuck,_ he didn't want deal with this shit. These feelings he had were so _annoying._

And then Kaidan didn't seem to even _realize_ when he was flirting with Shepard. So, what? Was he totally straight and this was just some weird residue closeness from when they were together as kids?

Regardless. Confusing-As-Shit.

He heard the door open. Kaidan. Damn it. And now Kaidan was walking over and kneeling beside him, looking concerned. "Hey, are you doing okay?" he asked in a soft and intimate voice.

 _No, not really,_ Shepard wanted to answer, _Maybe if you weren't straight and taken and just **so**_ **damn** _perfect. Maybe if you could be mine instead of hers._

"Yeah, I'm okay," he sighed instead.

"No, you're not," Kaidan said, placing his hand on Shepard's knee. Kaidan pushed himself up and moved to sit on the bed next to him, "I'm sorry I forced you to go." Shepard looked over and let out a long breath. Kaidan looked sad, and now all Shepard wanted to do was make him feel better, his own feelings be damned.

And even more pathetic, he couldn't even hate Rahna anymore. It was impossible not to like her. She was even fun to talk to--as long as Kaidan wasn't there too. He would have been able to call her a friend if not for...this other stuff.

"I'm sorry I'm ruining your night," Shepard said, not sure what else to do.

"Hey, it's okay," Kaidan nudged Shepard's shoulder affectionately, "We can do something else," he suggested.

"Like..?"

"Watch a vid?" Kaidan said with a shrug.

" _Really,_ Kaidan? A vid?" Shepard smirked at him. It was such an old-school thing to do. Not to mention kind of like a date.

"Oh, come on," Kaidan said, getting up and grabbing his pad off his desk, "I'm sure we can find something on the station's internal network."

"You don't even have a screen," Shepard felt the need to say.

"We could watch it on my pad," Kaidan dropped down onto his bed and moved over. He looked up at Shepard expectantly and patted the comforter in the now vacant spot. Shepard's eyebrows rose.

 _So, you're saying we could cuddle, all alone, on **your bed** , and watch a vid?_ "Yeah, okay," Shepard said, because, well, Kaidan _was_ offering.

He laid down on his side and "just so happened" to settle so that he was in contact with the entire side of Kaidan's body. Shepard propped his head up with his hand and held his breath to see if Kaidan would move away. Kaidan didn't seem to notice and just started scrolling through vids, making suggestions.

They ended up just going with what Kaidan wanted because Shepard didn't care. And it was really nice. Well, the vid was terrible but Kaidan was nice. Shepard couldn't quite belive he was willingly watching an asari-hanar romantic comedy. He didn't care how sexy Kaidan was, he had _totally_ lost his vid picking privileges.

...Oh, who was he kidding, he would keep watching these shitty vids indefinitely if it meant he got to come back to Kaidan's bed and didn't have to share him with anyone.

He was selfish, he could admit it, and he might have, maybe, even, pretended to fall asleep hoping Kaidan would let him stay in his bed. Sadly Kaidan just shook him lightly to wake him. Damn.

Overall, though, the night turned out really well. He didn't expect another like it, but Kaidan must have felt _really_ bad about the dance because he spent the entire rest of the weekend with Shepard and _only_ Shepard. By the end of that first week, Shepard had decided that Brain Camp was totally awesome. 

He was _so_ wrong. Apparently he had shown up just in time for their easier holiday week because the following Monday was completely different.

It was class after class, with barely a break in between, and Rahna was always _right there_ next to Kaidan. He didn't get a second of Kaidan to himself until right before their combat biotics training.

"By the way, waking up so fucking early in the morning-not cool," Shepard segwayed, siding up next to Kaidan, "I only got four hours of sleep."

"You'll get used to it," Kaidan said as they walked into a large open room. There were padded mats piled in one corner and some target dummies in another. All twenty of the upper class students could fit without effort. "Anyway, that's not the worst part," Kaidan continued.

"What's the worst part?" Shepard asked warily.

"Him," Kaidan said. He nodded towards a turian walking into the room. The guy had a slight limp on his right side and a big scar across his face, fringe to chin.

"That's Vyrnnus. He's the meanest turian I've ever met," Kaidan continued as a few more turians walked into the room. "He was a merc in the First Contact War and he's killed hundreds of humans. He's hated me since we met, but that's probably because I talked back to him when he was treating everyone like shit." Shepard watched as the turian directed the others to set up some targets. He noticed all the students watched him with something like dread. "But what I really don't understand," Kaidan added, "is why he hates _Rahna._ She never did anything to him."

Vyrnnus turned to the class and everyone instantly came to attention. He looked them each in the eye and then said, "Let's see if you've managed to become even _more_ pathetic while I was gone. I don't think it's possible, but you never cease to amaze me."

His eyes snapped to Kaidan and he yelled, "Alenko, Warp, now!" swinging his arm out to point at a metal target dummy on the other end of the room.

Kaidan took a step back into a fighting stance, formed his hands into fists. They were enveloped in blue in seconds, as he charged up, and then threw. The Warp slammed into the target, tearing strips of metal off and covering it in tendrils of light.

"Not good enough. Again!" Vyrnnus yelled before the blue had even faded.

Kaidan focused fully on the target, a frown of concentration forming on his face. He charged up until blue trailed over all of his body and threw a more powerful Warp. After barely a few seconds pause he stepped forward, using the momentum, and threw another, stepped forward, threw another. More and more cracks appeared in the dummy as Kaidan went on until it fell, shattering, and scattered hundreds of pieces across the floor.

Kaidan stood there, breathing hard, blue trailing up his arms from the power in his hands. He looked amazing. At that moment Shepard thought Kaidan was breathtakingly, devastatingly, beautiful.

Then he realized he was breathing hard too, so caught up in watching Kaidan. He rubbed his hand down his face, trying to snap out of it. This was ridiculous, he was getting a hard-on watching Kaidan blow stuff up. Everything Kaidan did only made Shepard want him more. This really had to stop or it was going to drive him crazy.

"Good. Now do it while shielding," Vyrnnus said, interrupting Shepard's thoughts and taking an offensive stance. He only gave Kaidan a short moment before throwing a Warp. Kaidan's Barrier went up so fast that Vyrnnus' power dissipated harmlessly. Kaidan threw Warp back at Vyrnnus, but it wasn't nearly as strong and did nothing against Vyrnnus' sheilds.

"Pathetic! Again!" Vyrnnus yelled.

Kaidan threw Warp at Vyrnnus again, charged up, threw again, charged up, threw again--four in quick succession. Vyrnnus' sheilds were nearly gone but Vyrnnus threw another Warp back at Kaidan and it broke Kaidan's Barrier without trouble. Kaidan stepped back, just catching his balance.

"I guess you aren't able to keep two thoughts in your head at once," Vyrnnus said, like he was hoping Kaidan would fail. "Such underdeveloped brains," he continued, "It's a wonder you can find your own dick with the level of coordination you just displayed."

Shepard frowned and glared, _that was uncalled for,_ he thought, _what a **bastard.**_ Kaidan had totally been kicking ass.

Vyrnnus moved on to another student, "Smithson, show me Pull!" only to yell, "Embarrassing!" at him when he was done. He turned to another student--

"Tam, Stasis!" "Terrible!"

"Zhang, Lift!" "Disgusting!"

"Green, Charge!" " _Pathetic!_ "

\--on and on it went. He would have them each attack, sometimes himself, sometimes a target. Periodically he would attack them back and he was brutally efficient at taking them down. And when they were beaten, or just exhausted, regardless of how they did, he would insult them after each attempt. If they did really well, sometimes compliments would be mixed in between insults.

Shepard wondered how the hell they kept letting him teach. But then he realized Vyrnnus seemed to be making sure they didn't break bones or get any permanent injuries. But it was _only_ just barely. He apparently didn't have a problem with making them bleed or giving them bruises that would last for days.

"Is every one of you so worthless and a complete waste of my time?" he said after half of the students had tried. "You humans are so weak!" he shouted, sounding frustrated, bordering on furious. "Weak in spirit, weak in mind, weak in body!

His gaze swept the room making some students cringe, "Your own families rejected you," he continued, "And why? Because you lack control! Because they are afraid of you!" He walked along the line of students, addressing the insults to each in turn, "And they should be," he snarled when he stood before Kaidan, "because you could _kill_ them. You can't go home because you might destroy your _mother_ or your _brother._

"You would think, then, that this would be important to you," he said in disgust. "That you would want to actually learn something! That you wouldn't be wasting _my_ time just to stay the dangerous idiots that you are," he finished, turned to another student and--

"Beaudelare, show me Barrier!" he continued. "Weak!"

"Wu, Warp!" "Pitiful."

"Gates, Throw!" "Worthless. Completely and utterly _worthless._ "

And then Shepard realized the second reason Vyrnnus was still here; he was getting _results._ Nearly every student improved under his instruction, despite the insults and brutality. He was breaking them down but inadvertently giving them hope. They could tell they were getting _better,_ gaining control. It could mean they might be able to go back home someday. To protect their families instead of hurt them--but Shepard couldn't get over the fact that it was just so _wrong._

And Vyrnnus just continued, beating down student after student until, "Çelik, show me Shockwave!"

Shepard's attention snapped into focus and he looked to Rahna. It felt like everyone in the room tensed with him. She was only sixteen, how could Vyrnnus expect her to be able to do such a difficult ability?

Rahna stepped forward. She closed her eyes and brought her hands togther in front of her. She formed and focused the power until it looked like she was holding a ball of pure blue light in her hands.

She opened her eyes, stepped forward and threw it. The power traveled out in front of her, skipping on the ground with a Bam-bam-bam. She focused her power again, the same way, and threw it again-except better-with a louder BAM-Bam-bam echoing through the room.

It was good, but apparently that wasn't good enough for Vyrnnus. He just yelled at her, "Are you even trying?"

"I'm trying!"

"Try harder!"

She focused again, charging longer and threw, her whole body behind it. The blue power skipped across the whole room with such a loud BAM-BAm-Bam-bam it was deafening.

She was _really_ good. Shepard knew he wouldn't have been able to do a Shockwave anywhere close to that strong.

But Vyrnnus _still_ didn't think it was good enough. "Prove to me teaching you isn't useless!" he yelled, sounding upset, "Prove to me you've learned something, Çelik! Again!"

Kaidan's hands were clenched into fists laced with cruelean, like he was barely holding himself back. Shepard really wanted to take Kaidan's hand with his and comfort him. Rahna was strong enough. She could probably take the pressure and verbal abuse. She could probably handle the strain.

Except the next few were steadily worse. She was getting tired. But she just kept _trying._ Until her nose was bleeding, her arms were shaking, and her legs went weak. Until she slowly dropped down to the floor.

Vyrnnus walked over and looked down at her. Then he used his biotic powers, pulling her up so she could stand again. "Nothing stays in that silly little head of yours, does it?" he said in a quiet snarl, "Three weeks and it's all gone. You..." he clenched his hands and then continued in a softer tone, "...will work on this tonight, I expect better tomorrow."

Then Shepard realized Kaidan was _completely_ wrong. Vyrnnus didn't _hate_ Rahna.

She was his _favorite._

In a really fucking twisted way, he was showing her he cared by working with her longer and harder than anyone else. Expecting more out of her than the others--but insulting her less.

"Don't listen to him Rahna," Kaidan said a little desperately when she walked over to them, "You're doing great." 

"No, he's right Kaidan," she said, like his demands were _anywhere_ close to reasonable. She took a deep breath, wiped the blood off her face with her sleeve and continued in a shaking voice, "I'm just not trying hard enough. He thinks I should be able to do this."

So she probably realized it--that she was actually his favorite. "My father expects more out of me too," she continued and, _fuck,_ she was comparing Vyrnnus to her _father._ Like they were at all _similar?!_ That was so fucked up.

"Rahna," Shepard said, suddenly wanting to give her _some_ reassurance. She didn't have to prove anything to _either_ of those abusive assholes. But he really had no idea how to say that without sounding like a dick.

"It's okay," she continued, trying to reassure _them,_ "I can do this, I just...have to go practice more. I'll see you guys later." And then she went over to work with one of the other turians who had followed Vyrnnus in.

Okay, so Rahna was a bit more fucked up than he thought, and Kaidan was too fucking innocent to see what twisted affection looked like, even when it was right in front of him, and Vyrnnus--he was just a total and complete...

"Is he always such an asshole?" Shepard turned and asked Kaidan.

"Shepard!" Vyrnnus barked.

"Fuck," Shepard whispered, Vyrnnus must have heard him.

"Because you are new," the turian continued, "I will asses your abilities personally. You will fight against _me,_ " he stared at Shepard threateningly, then, "with Alenko's help," he added, dismissively, with a wave of his hand.

Well, that wasn't so bad...right? He walked forward with Kaidan and they faced Vyrnnus warily. Shepard took a fighting stance and-

He never even had a chance to react. His back hit the unpadded floor _hard._ Kaidan threw up a Barrier around them both. "Shepard, are you okay?!" he said, sounding frantic.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Shepard pulled himself up, "I got this."

"I can't believe he just-"

" _Kaidan,_ " Shepard met his eyes, willing him to calm down, "It's okay. _I'm_ okay."

Their eyes held. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Shepard said, and then took a deep breath. He looked back at Kaidan and saw his own determination reflected back through Kaidan's eyes; they were ready this time. They nodded once in unison, and then Kaidan dropped the Barrier.

Shepard threw Warp as fast as he could, but Vyrnnus just swatted it away and then threw Slam in one fluid motion. Kaidan shifted forward, throwing up a Barrier, protecting Shepard again.

Kaidan dropped the Barrier, stepping back, and then Shepard used Slam. It sizzled away against Vyrnnus' shields, but Kaidan threw Warp and Shepard followed it with Throw and the powers worked together, breaking Vyrnnus' Barrier down with a _Boom._

Vyrnnus staggered back a step and then lowered his hands.

"Not completely worthless then. Good," he said, and then looked over to his crew. "Grixxus, Vyden," he said making eye contact with two of them. The turians walked over and took positions around Shepard and Kaidan. Shepard moved so his back was to Kaidan's; they were outnumbered and surrounded.

 _Then_ he noticed they had everyone else's attention too.

"Great," Shepard said softly.

So Kaidan had Vyrnnus directly in front of him, and Shepard had the turian with face paint like a skull (Grixxus) to his right, and the turian with a chunk out of his jaw (Vyden) to his left. They could do this.

_Couldn't they?_

Shepard filled his fists with blue light and then threw the first Warp at Skull. Kaidan threw a Barrier up just as Vyrnnus used Pull and Jaw threw Warp. Kaidan staggered as his Barrier broke in a loud explosion.

 _Shit!_ Shepard didn't know how to make Barriers like Kaidan! But if he didn't make one soon, they-Kaidan-would get hurt, maybe killed. He had to learn, and he had to learn _now!_

Shepard tried focusing his power, for the first time, into a dome of protection above them, instead of a destructive force. The Nova from Skull hit, and then the Warp from Vyrnnus and...Shepard's Barrier _held._

His eyes swung to Kaidan's, a smile of relief on his face, and Kaidan's eyes met his, but Kaidan's look wasn't relieved. All three turians were ready again.

Keeping their eyes locked, Shepard and Kaidan kneeled, facing each other, and formed a smaller but stronger dual Barrier. The three blasts hit--Lift, Pull, Throw--one Barrier broke but the other held. _Safe._

They rose together, moving back to back. Shepard focused his Barrier towards his right-towards Vyrnnus. Kaidan strengthened it with his and it held as Vyrnnus' used Pull. Then Kaidan used Throw on Jaw while Shepard hit Skull with Warp. They turned together so Kaidan could quickly detonate Shepard's Warp with his Throw.

The turian's Barrier dropped with a _Boom._

Shepard formed a fist of blue, recharging, and then threw Warp-hitting Jaw. But Vyrnnus was already pulling back, throwing another Warp. Kaidan turned, kneeling, and Shepard leaned back against him, giving them just enough space to let the power pass harmlessly over them. _Safe._

Shepard rolled off Kaidan's back and landed, facing Skull. Kaidan used his own momentum, channeling it into a Throw to Jaw, and detonated Shepard's Warp with a _BOOM._ The other turian's Barrier was gone.

Then they heard the Shockwave from Vyrnnus as it started, BAM-BAm-, they stepped apart just in time to let it pass between them, -Bam-bam, shaking the floor as it went. _Safe._

Then Kaidan used Reave on Jaw, taking him out, Shepard used Slam on Skull, taking him down as well. They turned together to Vyrnnus. Kaidan used Warp and Shepard used Throw, breaking Vyrnnus' Barrier. He stumbled and the explosion echoed through the room in the following silence as Shepard just barely pulled up on another Warp. Shepard and Kaidan stood together, breathing hard, but ready to fight.

Except, if they created a biotic explosion now-it _would_ kill him. Vyrnnus knew it too.

He didn't let himself appear threatened for long. "Aren't you two cute," Vyrnnus said shakily, but still making it sound like an insult, "What a surprise, you aren't entirely inept."

He looked at Kaidan and Kaidan glared challengingly back. "Apparently, Alenko," Vyrnnus continued, "all you need is someone to hold your hand to correctly preform. Maybe _Shepard_ can help you find your dick," he snarled.

Shepard turned and looked at him sharply. Had he noticed something? "Shepard," Vyrnnus continued without pause, "you must show me you can do this _on your own_ to prove you're worth the pain of training a such a smart-ass."

Vyrnnus looked around the room once more, at all the students, and then said, "Now get the fuck out! You're all dismissed." They all did.

Shepard took in several shocked breaths as they walked out. _Did that really just happen?_ A smile started forming on his face. _Did they really just do that? That was so-_

"You two looked amazing!" Rahna said, running up to them.

"That _felt_ amazing!" Kaidan said, looking at Shepard, a ridiculous grin forming on his face. Shepard smiled back at him so hard his face hurt. He was high on adrenaline and the feeling of being so in tune with Kaidan. Kaidan was so...

...not-actually-his. Belatedly he remembered that Rahna was there too and he turned to say, "Uh, thank you Rahna," and only then did Kaidan turn to her too.

"Did you see it?!" he said excitedly, apparently forgetting she'd already spoken.

"Yes, that was...the best combat biotics I've ever seen." But Shepard heard wariness in her tone. Shit, she'd noticed.

"Thank you," Kaidan said, giving _her_ his ridiculous grin now. "I've never done anything like that before," Kaidan continued, still sounding amazed.

"Yeah...I know," she said, like she was surprised he felt the need to tell her, then softly continued, "Shepard must bring it out of you."

"I guess so," Kaidan said, turning his smile on Shepard before focusing back on Rahna. "So, Rahna," he looked at her hopefully, "I guess I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," she said, her smile returning easily, "I'm looking forward to it."

"Great!" Kaidan said giving her a really sappy look.

The moment continued, with the two of them kind of just giving each other goofy grins, and Shepard started feeling awkward. He shifted, looking down at his feet and putting his hands in his pockets. Kaidan looked over and Shepard glanced up, their eyes meeting.

"Uh, well," Kaidan said, turning back to Rahna, "I've gotta..." he gestured vaguely in the direction of their room.

She gave him a look that said she found him cute. Shepard knew the feeling.

"I know," she said, and Kaidan started walking toward the room, but backwards so he could still look at her. She looked like she was soaking in the attention and when he got to the corner she gave a little half wave and a, "Bye Kaidan."

"Bye!" he said, and then turned back around so he could walk with Shepard, _finally_ turning his attention back to him. They walked in silence until Kaidan nudged his shoulder.

"So, you _can_ dance," he said, like Shepard had been holding out on him or something.

"I can _fight._ I _can't_ dance," Shepard answered.

"It _felt_ like dancing," Kaidan responded. He was still practically _vibrating_ with energy. "We _have_ to do that again sometime!" he continued.

Shepard chuckled, "Are you...asking me to dance with you, Kaidan Alenko?"

"Maybe," Kaidan teased with a smirk and, _fuck_ was that sexy. Shepard felt like melting from that perfect quirk to Kaidan's lips. "Damn, I need a shower," Kaidan blurted suddenly.

"I call it first," Shepard said.

"No you don't," Kaidan shot back and their eyes met. Kaidan's look playfully dared him to go ahead and try to take it. Well, _challenge accepted._

They rushed into the room, grabbed their respective clean clothes, and then met back at the bathroom door, trying to shove each other out of the way. Kaidan got his hand on the handle first, "Ha, I win," he said, looking smug. He was in such a good mood.

Shepard felt a laugh bubble up in his chest, absolutly loving this. Then he shoved himself in between Kaidan and the door and tried to push Kaidan back so he would let go of the doorknob. Kaidan wasn't budging and, as Shepard realized the inevitability of his defeat, he became aware of the side of his body that was in full contact with Kaidan's.

He took in a sharp breath. Kaidan was warm and he smelled _so_ wonderful. Shepard looked up and their eyes locked. He felt like time slowed. He couldn't look away and he really, so badly, just wanted...his eyes shifted down and--

"Okay, fine," Kaidan said, amused, letting go and stepping away from Shepard, "It's all yours." He held his hands up in defeat and gave Shepard an exasperated smile, but there was a tinge of something else in his look. Something unhappy.

 _We could shower together,_ Shepard wanted to say.

"Damn right it's mine," he teased a little weakly instead, but something had happened and the warmth of the moment was gone.

Kaidan distractedly walked back and sat on his bed, frowning. _What the hell just happened?_ Shepard wondered.

"Yeah, uh,..." Shepard started, and then trailed off with no idea what he wanted to say. Kaidan looked up, waiting for him to continue, and Shepard just felt really stupid, so he turned and walked into the bathroom instead. He closed the door and then rested his head against it. _Fuck._

This thing was...well, it was good but, _damn,_ his sanity was probably in jeopardy. Every part of him was in agreement, his heart, his head, and certainly his dick. It was all Kaidan. All for Kaidan.

And Kaidan wasn't all for him in return. It was kind of killing him little by little.

He stripped and got under the flow of warm water. He rubbed his hands over his face and head and then down the back of his neck. He wished he could just relax, but his body was _not_ cooperating. He looked down. Yep, definitely not cooperating.

And that was another thing, he was half hard already. It was kind of his perpetual state lately. He should probably do something about it-he really didn't want Kaidan to see his stiffy and then mention it, or even ignore it and avert his eyes or whatever. _Awk_ -ward.

He let out a long sigh and then reached down, picturing Kaidan from just moments ago, so warm and inviting. But this time, Kaidan didn't step away, this time he looked down at Shepard's lips too, and...Shepard felt himself harden fully.

 _Fuck._ That's _all_ it took? Oh, he felt so pathetic.

Okay, _fine,_ it would just make this that much easier and he might as well get it over with quickly. He ran his hand down his full length in a couple slow strokes and thought of that moment again, except now Kaidan didn't have his shirt and Shepard's bare chest was pressed against the gorgeous chest Kaidan had to have and Shepard just hadn't seen yet.

Fantasy Kaidan pinned Shepard to the door with his body, _"I know you want this,"_ he teased. He opened the bathroom door but kept Shepard pinned to it. Kaidan stepped back, away from Shepard, trailing his hand along Shepard's bare stomach and dipping his fingers down the front of Shepard's pants, teasingly close to his cock. _"Tell me how much,"_ Kaidan demanded softly.

"More than anything, Kaidan, _fuck,_ " Shepard said outloud, with a quiet moan. Then fantasy Kaidan tightened his hand on the waistband of Shepard's pants and pulled Shepard forward sharply, then pushed him up against the wall of the bathroom.

Kaidan's body held him to the wall and Kaidan's leg slid in between his, applying much-wanted pressure to his cock. Kaidan leaned in next to Shepard's ear, _"Fuck?"_ he whispered, _"Is that what you want me to do? Fuck you?"_

 _Oh,_ that word would sound so good coming from Kaidan's lips. "Yes, fuck, _please_ Kaidan." 

When they got into the shower, fantasy Kaidan made Shepard lean and support himself with his arms against the shower wall. Then Kaidan reached up with one hand to entangle their fingers, and down with the other to palm Shepard's dick, covering the back of Shepard's body with his.

Shepard leaned forward, supporting himself with his arm, to mirror his fantasy, and imagined feeling Kaidan at his back, Kaidan's dick teasingly against his ass.

Fantasy Kaidan kissed the back of Shepard's neck and then whispered next to his ear, _"You are mine, Shepard, and no one else's,"_ and Shepard so wanted to hear that, to have Kaidan claim him, _"because I love you,"_ Kaidan continued, _"and I want only you,"_ \--and, "Fuck," Shepard whispered as he started coming, his cock pulsing, and the arm holding him up going weak.

Damn, that was...he tried to calm his breathing as his fantasy Kaidan faded away.

He was completely alone again. This was...not really helping his sanity.

He sighed, apparently when you live with the person you love, and you constantly get new wanking material and personal experiences to build off of, it can make orgasaming...more intense. Which is a...benefit? ...form of torture? Ugh.

He made sure all traces of his orgasm were gone before finishing his shower. He dried, put his pants on and then walked out holding his shirt, chest bare, masocistically wanting to see if Kaidan would look. Kaidan walked into the bathroom without looking at him or even saying anything. Nope, guess not. Not like Shepard's skinny torso was much to look at anyway.

And he might have, maybe, sat on his bed, looking pitiful, staring at the floor, while he waited for Kaidan to come out. He really didn't know how to fix this. To not want it. He was pretty sure that was impossible. And when Kaidan finally came out of the shower he looked clean and warm and still delicious.

"Hey, let's stay in tonight," Shepard said a little desperately.

Kaidan frowned, "Well, I told Rahna we could hang out tonight. She said she feels like she hasn't seen me in forever."

"Oh...alright," Shepard said, looking back down at the floor. And he knew this wasn't fair, but he _really_ didn't want to share Kaidan with anybody, especially Rahna. And especially tonight. "I just thought..." he continued, trailing off.

"Shep, what is it?"

"Well, I was thinking, maybe, I was ready to talk to you about my past. But, you're busy, I'm sure we can just-"

"No, it's okay," Kaidan said quickly, "I'm sure she'll understand. We can talk now."

"But she's sort of your girlfriend," Shepard said, his one attempt at being fair, really not wanting Kaidan to regret this later, "I'm sure that means she comes first."

"No. This is really important."

And Shepard was going to take whatever Kaidan was willing to give him. He wasn't going to feel bad about it either. It just wasn't the way he usually did things. "Okay, um, what do you want to know?"

Kaidan looked away and was quiet for a while. He took several breaths and finally asked, "Why did you leave?" The words sounded like they hurt his throat to say.

"I wanted to protect you," Shepard answered, because that was the only reason why he ever would have left.

Kaidan turned to him sharply, "What?" he said, like that was the one answer he hadn't expected. Shepard looked into Kaidan's distraught eyes and felt a sharp spike of despair--he'd never really thought about how much pain and confusion he'd caused Kaidan by leaving. 

Shepard had to look away when he started, he wouldn't be able tell Kaidan anything if he could see what this was doing to him. "You had caught the attention of some bad people, a corporation named Cerberus."

Then Shepard forced himself to look up, he _needed_ Kaidan to know he'd left because he _cared,_ because he cared _so much,_ "They wanted to take you away," Shepard continued, his voice going rough, "That's why I wanted everyone to think the biotics were mine. I could keep you safe, and if they took _me,_ I could always escape.

"So I let them take me," Shepard said and then Kaidan sat down shakily on the bed. Shepard had to look away again. He stared down at his hands, moving and wringing them anxiously. He continued, trying to lighten his tone, "and I _did_ escape, but apparently," he said and snorted, like it was actually amusing, "I actually _did_ have biotics and when I was exposed to EZero a second time, I had a power explosion in a very public part of Omega."

Kaidan reached over and took his hand, stopping Shepard's nervous movements. Kaidan's hand was really big compared to Shepard's. It was strong and warm and comforting and exciting. Shepard linked their fingers, took a deep breath, and continued, "I caught their attention again and this time they made sure I couldn't get away."

Kaidan squeezed his hand and asked quietly, like he was terrified of the answer, "What did they do to you?"

"Jack and I-"

"Your sister was there?" Kaidan said, obviously realizing how horrible that was. "She's so young."

"Yeah. But we escaped about a year ago," Shepard said, trying to be reassuring. "We have a home now. On an Alliance ship." Shepard absently traced the lines of Kaidan's hand with the tips of his fingers. "The captain is awesome," he continued, "and the crew's not bad either. Sometimes it feels like...family. We're...we're happy there. So it's all good, okay?" Shepard looked up at Kaidan and tried to give him a reassuring smile.

"What did they do to you?" Kaidan asked again, not letting Shepard change the subject to a happier one.

"You don't really-"

"Yes I do," Kaidan interrupted, then continued softly with dread, throat tight, "Please tell me."

Shepard took a deep breath, "Tests. Implants. Chemicals. I certainly don't have an L2 or L3," he said with a smile, then sighed, "But, they...did everything they could think of to make us stronger. It...wasn't...good." He shrugged, "At least they wanted to keep Jack and me alive. The other kids weren't so lucky. They hated us for it too."

There was a look of such pain on Kaidan's face and Shepard's heart hurt from seeing it. "All this time," Kaidan said, his fingers tightening around Shepard's. "All this time I thought you were okay. That you were safe and happy. If I had known-"

"You would have, what? Come after me?" Shepard interrupted.

"Yeah," Kaidan met his eyes, distraught.

"Well that's a shit plan," Shepard stated. "Kaidan, please don't blame yourself for this."

"But I failed you," Kaidan said. And that was just ridiculous.

"No, you _didn't,_ " Shepard said, "I _left,_ Kaidan. I knew what I was getting into. Mostly," he said, acquiescing that. "But what I did, I did to protect you, and I would do it again," he willed Kaidan to understand this. "And I knew you would have done anything to protect me. We were both crazy little bastards like that."

Shepard reached out, pausing for a second of doubt, and then continued so that he could cup Kaidan's face. "And we're fine now," Shepard continued softly, "So stop. _Please._ We're _Okay._ "

Kaidan leaned forward to rest his forehead against Shepard's, "I'm sorry," he said in a whisper. Shepard just soaked in the contact, trying to figure out what to say.

They sat there together for a long time, not saying anything just...being together. After a while Kaidan shifted, laying back on Shepard's bed and bringing Shepard with him. Shepard couldn't breathe for several seconds but he slowly relaxed. If Kaidan was okay with this then Shepard wasn't going to complain. He curled around Kaidan a little, Kaidan's arm around his back and his arm on Kaidan's stomach. Their hands clasped above Kaidan's heart.

Then he just...listened. To Kaidan's heartbeat and the strange resonance of their breathing. Kaidan eventually took a deep breath and said, quiet and like a confession, "I want to take care of you."

"...I...know," Shepard answered.

He woke up first, still in Kaidan's arms, warm and happy. He had thrown a leg around Kaidan during the night and his erection was up against Kaidan's hip. Kaidan felt _really_ amazing.

Shepard decided to get out of bed before Kaidan woke. This position was quite...compromising. He didn't have any idea how it would go over and he'd rather not...this was just safer.

He showered and went to the food commons to wait; Kaidan would come over and talk to him when he was ready. Except when Kaidan came out of the room he almost immediately disappeared with Rahna.

Shepard resolutely did _not_ go looking for them. He _really_ didn't want to walk in on something happening. But after a good chunk of the day he started to get worried. He grabbed Anna when she came out of the class Kaidan was supposed to be in.

"Hey, have you seen Kaidan?" he asked anxiously.

"He's in your room," Anna answered.

"With Rahna," he said on a sigh.

"No, alone," Anna corrected, "He has a migraine Shepard," she said it like Shepard should have known that. Shepard frowned, surprised and confused. When it was obvious he had no idea what she was talking about, she continued, "He gets them because of his L2 implant. They can get really bad sometimes."

 _Kaidan was hurting?_ "I have to go to him," Shepard said, turning and starting towards their room.

"I know how you feel about him," Anna blurted, stopping him. He didn't turn around, but she had all his attention.

"Shepard," she continued softly, "Rahna's not brave enough for what Kaidan is going to be." He finally turned to her, trying to figure out what she was really saying. "Rahna sometimes helps him when he has the really bad migraines. She doesn't know about this one," Anna continued and Shepard finally understood. "Just...take care of him, okay?" she finished softly.

"Always," Shepard answered immediately and then, "Thank you," he said, meeting her eyes. She just nodded once to him in acknowledgement and turned and walked away.

Shepard rushed to their room, "Kaidan?" he said quietly when he came through the door. Kaidan wasn't in the room, Shepard found him sitting on the bathroom floor looking like he had just thrown up. Or wanted to.

"You look awful," he said softly.

"Thanks," Kaidan said weakly, then breathed in and out a few times. "At least I feel a little bit better now."

"Want to lay down on the bed?" Shepard asked, not sure how to help.

"Yeah, that would be good."

Shepard helped Kaidan into bed and then turned on his desk light, facing it away from Kaidan-just enough light to get around. Then he shut off the room lights and got a cool damp cloth from the bathroom.

"Would this help?" he asked touching Kaidan's hand with the cloth.

"I don't think it would make it any worse," Kaidan answered, so Shepard went and got his desk chair so he could sit next to Kaidan and hold the cloth against his forehead.

"I don't really know what I'm doing," Shepard confessed.

Kaidan gave him a weak smile, "You're doing great." But the smile only lasted a moment. Kaidan frowned and took deep deliberate breaths, still looking kind of sick. "Rahna isn't very happy with me," he said after a moment.

"...I'm sorry," Shepard said, and he was, because this was upsetting Kaidan.

"I'm not real happy with her either," he continued, "I told her that I wouldn't miss our date unless it was something important. She wanted to know what, exactly, was more important than keeping my promises. And I said I couldn't tell her." Kaidan took a deep, controlled, breath and continued, "She said that wasn't a good enough excuse, that we should be honest with each other."

"This is my all fault Kaidan," Shepard said, feeling a little bit awful, especially since he still wouldn't change a thing. "Do you want me to talk to her?" he offered.

"No. I'm not sorry. I would do it again." He leaned up to look Shepard in the eyes, "You're very important to me," he said, but then a look of pain crossed his face and he laid back down.

"You should stop talking, dork," Shepard chided affectionately.

"I hate this," Kaidan continued a few seconds later, completely ignoring Shepard's suggestion, "I feel so helpless."

"You could never be helpless," Shepard answered softly, "You're the strongest man I know."

Kaidan made a soft snort of amusement, "Why are you so nice to me Shepard?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused by it.

Shepard blinked at him, frowning. Could Kaidan really not _know?_ Know how much he meant to Shepard? Sure, he probably had no idea about the...specifics, but he _had_ to know...

"You were nice to me," Shepard answered, "You took care of me, Kaidan. How could I not want to be able to do that for you?" Then Shepard stopped and debated because that wasn't all of the reason. Not even close. And he _so_ wanted to get it out. Out in the open.

He took a deep breath. "Besides..." Shepard continued, trying to keep his tone casual, "I'm in love with you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of _"What Shepard Wanted More Than Freedom,"_ which I have fondly subtitled, "The episode in which Kaidan freaks out. A lot."

"What?!" Kaidan said as he sat up too quickly. Then, _"Oww," dammit,_ that _hurt._

"Lay back down, you idiot," Shepard said in a soft voice, gently pushing Kaidan back with a hand to his chest.

When Kaidan's head felt a little less terrible, he tried, "Shepard-"

"I know you don't feel that way about me," Shepard interrupted, using a tone that was probably supposed to be reassuring, "I know you have feelings for Rahna, but I just thought that, maybe, um...that maybe you should know. Know that you mean worlds to me."

"I..." Kaidan was at a loss for words. And he was _really_ having trouble thinking clearly, "I...don't...-"

"I'm sorry," Shepard interrupted again, "I shouldn't have said that. I mean-I shouldn't have told you.- _Now,"_ he added quickly, "I shouldn't have told you _right now._ Because of your head." He looked down and mumbled to himself, "Fucking idiot Shepard, what were you _thinking?"_ He looked back up at Kaidan with a distressed expression. "You need to sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow, okay?" his voice was soft and a little desperate. Well, Kaidan could get behind that plan. Later. Deal with it later. Thankfully..?..his migraine kept him from thinking about anything at all.

The first time he woke up, Shepard was sleeping, slouched in his chair next to Kaidan's bed. His mouth was open and he was sort of snoring. Kaidan thought Shepard actually looked really cute. He couldn't help the fond smile that formed on his face.

Except Shepard was also holding Kaidan's hand, and that was...a little worrying. But Kaidan just didn't have it in him to pull away so he let himself drift back into unconsciousness instead.

The second time Kaidan woke up, he was alone. He showered, dressed, then sat down on his bed. Only then did he let himself think. He put his head in his hands. 

Maybe if he said it out loud it would actually sink in? He rubbed his hands down his face and then stared absently at Shepard's bed. "Last night Shepard told you he loved you," Kaidan said to the room, and then he shook his head, "No. Last night Shepard told you he was _in love with you."_

Wow, this was...a lot. Shepard. In love. With _him. His_ Shepard. _In-Love. With **Kaidan**._

What does that really even mean? Love, like romantically? Like...sexually?

Kaidan wasn't...gay. At least he was pretty sure he wasn't. Because of Rahna. He knew he wanted her. In _that_ way. But this thing with Shepard was so much more complicated.

They had history. Weird history. _Very emotionally involved_ history.

Shepard just _mattered_ to him. In ways nobody else did. And Kaidan knew, without a doubt, that he loved Shepard. It just wasn't...sexual.

Though, if he was honest with himself, which he was kind of avoiding right now, there was the thing with Shepard's lips.

They were very...distracting, for some reason. Kaidan caught himself looking at them more often than he thought normal. Like the other day when they fought over the shower-

But they were _nice_ lips-

And it's not like Kaidan was thinking about Shepard's dick.

...okay, well, _now_ he was, but not like _that._

Dammit, he really didn't know how to deal with this.

And how had this _happened?_ Why hadn't Kaidan noticed? How had he completely _missed it_ that Shepard felt this way?

It had only been a little over a week since Shepard got here, and, yes, well, _obviously,_ they had been spending a lot of time together, but was that really _enough_ time to fall in love? Kaidan had known Rahna for _years_ and they hung out a little almost every day--that was enough time to fall in love. But a week? They hardly knew each other really...

But Kaidan _really enjoyed_ spending time with Shepard and it was easy to see that Shepard liked spending time with him. Shepard was even a little bit...needy. Which Kaidan was fine with, he liked to be needed...

And now he could see how that might be misleading. If Kaidan was always giving him special attention...and lots of attention...

And then, what if Shepard, maybe, had feelings for him when they were younger? It was possible...and it probably wouldn't take as long then-

But maybe it wasn't really like that. Maybe Shepard just _thought_ he was in love with Kaidan because he loved spending _time_ with Kaidan...maybe it wasn't...sexual. It's not like they did relationship-like things. Like kiss or hold hands or touch... Kaidan's eyes widened with realization.

 _He touched Shepard **all the time**._ Almost constantly when they were in the room together, even though it was mostly just them sitting or laying on the bed next to each other...

_...laying on the bed next to each other..._

_What_ had Kaidan been _doing?_ He put his hand to his head in distress. If he wanted to give Shepard the wrong message that was certainly a great way to do it.

And hand holding...they had held hands! Not just once either.

Oh, Kaidan had so _fucked up._ No wonder Shepard was confused. Could Kaidan have been _any_ more confusing?

And Shepard. He had just come out and said it, and then Kaidan hadn't reacted too well. Shepard had been honest, and Kaidan had started to freak out on him. Kaidan _really_ needed to talk to him. He needed to let Shepard know that this didn't change...how much Kaidan cared about him or...how much Kaidan loved spending time with him. It was probably going to change other things...a lot of other things, but...

Kaidan suddenly realized that Shepard was probably _freaking out_ right now. He was probably worrying about exactly this. Kaidan jumped up and rushed to the mess hall. Halfway there he turned the corner and ran into someone. He wrapped his arms around their waist and pulled the smaller person to him to keep them from falling. He sucked in a sharp breath. The person he was holding against his body was- "Shepard!" Kaidan said surprised.

Shepard looked up at him with wide eyes. "Uh, hi Kaidan," he said breathlessly. His eyes were so blue. And close. Really, really close. Kaidan's arms were wrapped around Shepard's waist and their chests, hips and legs were all touching. Shepard was warm and he was breathing too fast.

Kaidan was breathing too fast too.

His eyes, as if they weren't under his control, dropped to Shepard's lips. They looked so soft and red and inviting. Kaidan licked his lips and-

Dammit, _**No!** He was **not** going to do this!_

He practically dropped Shepard and stepped back a couple frantic steps. Shepard stumbled a little, unbalanced from the sudden change, but thankfully didn't fall.

He stood in front of Kaidan awkwardly and looked at Kaidan's shoes a little dejected. "Um..." Shepard said, and then finally looked up and met Kaidan's eyes. A tight nervous feeling formed in Kaidan's stomach at the intense look. _Okay, that's new._ "So, you're feeling better?" Shepard continued.

"Uh, yeah, I...um..." Kaidan trailed off and then he bit his lip not sure what to say now that Shepard was in front of him.

"...I was really worried," Shepard finally added, "I...I didn't know. About the headaches-I mean migraines-I mean," Shepard squeezed his eyes shut for a second, "that must...really..suck," he finished kind of lamely, frowning at himself.

"Yeah...it...does." Damn this was _so_ awkward. What the hell was going _on?_ "But, um," Kaidan continued, "sometimes Rahna helps me so..."

Shepard dropped his gaze. "Yeah, uh," he said, wrapping his arms around himself in a defensive manner, "yeah I heard that."

Kaidan started to reach out, he didn't like seeing Shepard so unsure and distressed and Kaidan instantly wanted to comfort him. But his hand was halfway in between them when he had another thought.

He kept leading Shepard on with all this contact and affection, right? Maybe he should stop? But then, he really _wanted_ to give Shepard affection, Kaidan cared so much about him. And the contact, well, Kaidan wanted that too. But it was giving the wrong impression, right? And why _did_ Kaidan want it so much?

Shepard looked up at Kaidan and just waited. He didn't even look confused. It was like he already knew what Kaidan was debating and was just waiting to see what decision he would make.

And then Kaidan realized, if he stopped touching Shepard now, there was _no way_ Shepard wouldn't notice. There was no way it wouldn't hurt him. And Kaidan _couldn't_ do that. He couldn't stand hurting Shepard.

He reached out the rest of the way and placed his hand on Shepard's arm.

Shepard reached up and took Kaidan's hand, moved it off his arm to hold it in both of his hands. He made the movement look nonchalant, but Kaidan knew it wasn't. Shepard was testing him, and he was reaching out for reassurance.

So Kaidan held on.

And when Shepard realized Kaidan wasn't letting go, a huge smile formed on his face. Kaidan's breath caught at it. Shepard was-

And how had Kaidan not _noticed_ before? There was so much love in that smile. It was impossible not to know Shepard loved him when he looked at Kaidan like that.

 _What_ was Kaidan going to _do?_

"Right, so..." Kaidan took a deep breath, it could still be the _other_ kind of love, right? It might not be the...romantic kind of love? Kaidan _couldn't_ let this be misunderstood. He had to know for sure that Shepard really _was_ or _wasn't_ in love with him.

"Um, did you..." Kaidan started awkwardly, then closed his eyes and paused for another deep breath. He looked back at Shepard and continued, "Did you mean what you said? Last night?" Like _that_ needed clarification Kaidan. Ugh.

Shepard took in a breath and let Kaidan's hand slip out of his. He looked away from Kaidan and then ran a hand over his buzzed head to rub the back of his neck.

So, maybe...he wasn't sure? Maybe he was regretting saying it? Didn't really mean it?

But then Shepard parted his lips and took a fortifying breath. He looked up, meeting Kaidan's eyes. "Yeah, I meant it," he said, without a trace of doubt in his voice.

Okay, this was...really messing with Kaidan's pet theory. But he had to be sure, there was still a chance...

"In a..." Kaidan swallowed nervously, "in a romantic and..." he made a very non-descript motion. He was really having trouble saying _sexual_ around Shepard. It's not like he thought of Shepard in specifically _anti-_ sexual terms, like a blood relative, because he had _never_ seen Shepard like that, but he'd always seen Shepard as his, and he wanted to protect him. And Shepard was still just _so young._

Shepard smirked a little at Kaidan for his pathetic flailing but quickly turned serious. "Yes, Kaidan. In _every_ way," he tipped his head once in a nod and then repeated, slow and very clear, "I mean it in every way."

Damn this was...ugh, _really?_ Okay. One last chance, he need to be _absolutely_ sure. "So, um...so, you...want...me?" he asked, having a little trouble meeting Shepard's eyes.

"Yes," Shepard said, and it sounded like he was admitting guilt for a terrible crime, ensuring himself punishment, but believing in honesty. "I, um..." Shepard swallowed and then continued, "..I do. Very much," the look he gave Kaidan was intense and almost sad, "All the time, and...and only you."

 _Wow,_ um, that was _...fuck, that was..._ Kaidan realized he was having a little trouble breathing and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He exhaled and it came out shaky.

Okay, so, there was really no way to misinterpret that. Shepard was being very clear. Kaidan met his eyes and nodded to show he understood, "I-"

"Hey Kaidan, hey Shepard!"

"Oh, hi Rahna," Shepard said in an strangled sounding voice, "I'm sorry, but I have to go-Anna's waiting for me...um, I will--I just--uh, bye," he finished, quick and awkward, leaving Kaidan alone with Rahna.

Rahna frowned after him slightly and then turned to Kaidan with a serious but kind expression. "Kaidan, do you have a minute?" Rahna said, "I have something I want to talk to you about."

Kaidan took a deep breath, "Sure Rahna, what's up?"

"It took me a while to realize it, but I'm sure of it now. And you need to know," she added with a cute little nod.

"Sure of what, exactly?" Kaidan asked and smiled at her.

"Shepard," she stated and Kaidan tensed, "I thought he was like a little brother to you," she continued, "but he's not, is he Kaidan? He _likes_ you. He _wants_ you. He's jealous of _me._ It's...it's..." she paused, searching for a word, and then, "distressing," she finished, like it was the best she could come up with. A silence followed as Rahna searched his face. 

"But you already know that," she said, shocked, as she realized it, "He told you didn't he?" A small frown formed on her face, "Then why are you still leading him on?" She shook her head and continued, "It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. You're not interested, why are you doing it?" she asked, genuinely confused.

Kaidan frowned, _"Why?"_ he repeated, "I can't just stop hanging out with him because he has a crush on me, Rahna. I won't stop being his friend." Besides, he didn't know _how_ to treat Shepard different. He didn't _want_ to treat Shepard different, and if he was going to have to, he wanted to figure this out with _Shepard,_ not _Rahna._

"I wasn't saying that you shouldn't be his friend. I understand how important he is to you-"

"Then what _are_ you saying Rahna, because I might be wrong, but I don't think this is actually _your_ problem to deal with," and the words were a lot harsher than he'd meant them to be.

She stepped back with a surprised look on her face. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I didn't mean to upset you," her expression turned repentant, "You're right. I'm sure you'll figure out what to do."

Kaidan took a calming breath and sighed, "I'm sorry Rahna, I didn't mean for it to come out like that," he said softly, "Don't worry, everything will work out."

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it like that." She took a step back towards him, "Are you doing okay?" she said, concerned, "You're usually so much more controlled."

"I'll be fine," he said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

"Okay, well, I'm glad you're okay, um, I should probably get to class," she said, motioning behind her, and then, as an afterthought, "Are we going to hang out tonight? Anna told me you had a lot of homework yesterday and that's why you couldn't come last night. But tonight is fine, right?" She looked up at him with a hopeful expression.

"Yeah, tonight's fine. I'll see you later, okay?"

But Kaidan wasn't okay. He was _upset_ and he was _confused._ Control was...not exactly his number one priority right now. He didn't know what to do about Shepard's feelings for him, but they weren't Rahna's business. It was between Shepard and Kaidan. But he still didn't understand why he was _this_ upset. And he _really_ was. He felt...protective...or something.

So when he was walking down the hall later, and he heard a voice around the corner say, "Kaidan wants to be with me, Shepard. Why can't you see that and just be happy that he's happy?" Kaidan was really quite pissed.

"Who said I'm not?" Shepard shot back at her.

"He's a good man, the best, and he won't say no to you. If you keep asking, he'll keep giving."

"What are you talking about Rahna?"

"Your feelings for him," she said like it was obvious, "How he is spending all his time with you because you keep asking him to."

"Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, but he asks me to hang out with him just as much as I ask him. So, what? Are you saying I should tell him to leave me alone?"

"No! He cares about you. It would break his heart. I just...want you to find someone else, Shepard. Someone who can love you like you want, like you deser-"

"Kaidan loves me. I know he loves me," Shepard interrupted her, but he didn't sound quite sure, and Kaidan hated that there was a waiver of doubt in his voice.

"He's not gay, Shepard! He loves you but he can't _ever_ love you like _that._ Like you want him to. You're hurting yourself by hanging on to this. I don't want you to get hurt," and Kaidan could hear the real concern in her voice. She really thought she was helping.

Shepard was silent for a long time and then, "I can't stop, Rahna, even if I wanted to. I'm sorry," Kaidan could barely hear him as he continued, "I've never wanted anyone else." He sounded so sad and broken.

"I'm sorry too, Shepard," Rahna whispered.

"I have to go to class," Shepard said in a rough voice and then Kaidan heard him walk away. Rahna's steps followed about a minute later.

Kaidan leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes. Why did Shepard have to fall in love with him? Why did Rahna have to try to get involved? Things just kept getting worse...

He took a minute to try to calm down and then went to class to let it distract him from his issues. It worked...sort of...okay not really...at all actually.

In fact, he was very very focused on _not_ thinking about it as he left class that Anna surprised him by grabbing his arm and urgently saying, "Kaidan, it's Shepard, come on."

"What's wrong?"

"Vyrnnus," was all she gave him, but it was enough. They ran towards the combat gym and Kaidan started thinking of all the possible things Vyrnnus could be doing to Shepard. Then he started to freak out. He wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened. Not to _Shepard, never_ to _Shepard._ Please.

Kaidan turned the corner and heard Vyrnnus' voice. "Reckless, stubborn and stupid," he said down at Shepard, who's back was against the floor. Shepard moved to pick himself up but Vyrnnus just pushed him back with a burst of biotics. "What an excellent specimen of your race," Vyrnnus said, circling him, "Crawling on the floor like you should have done to receive the forgiveness of the Council."

Shepard tried to get up again and Vyrnnus pushed him back down with his boot. Shepard scowled and threw Slam at Vyrnnus which fortunately distracted him long enough for Shepard to scramble up into a defensive standing position. "Well, _you_ are a terrible specimen of yours," Shepard yelled as he threw another Slam, "I know for a _fact_ all turians aren't assholes like you!"

Vyrnnus just dodged the Slam with a roll and then threw Stasis back at Shepard. It pulled him up and suspended him in a field a couple meters off the floor.

"So _disrespectful_ and _undisciplined,"_ Vyrnnus growled at him, taking a couple steps forward.

"You have to _earn_ respect," Shepard snarled back and there wasn't a hint of fear in his voice, even trapped like he was now.

"What do you know about _respect?"_ Vyrnnus said, quiet and furious. "Your entire species disrespects _themselves._ Disrespects the Council. You are only alive because they think you have something to offer! Your entire species would have been _wiped out_ if I had anything to say about it. You have nothing to offer but war, pain and strife!" then softly, his voice full of hatred, he finished, "You're all _disgusting."_

Vyrnnus pulled back. He was going to Throw Shepard against the wall, hard enough he might kill him. Kaidan got ready to hit Vyrnnus with Reave but then Shepard growled, the sound shifting into a yell until he created a Barrier strong enough to break Vyrnnus' hold. Shepard dropped down, catching himself in a crouch, and the Throw passed harmlessly over his head.

Shepard took a deep breath and then snapped his look up to Vyrnnus, molten anger in his eyes. "And you're _pathetic,"_ Shepard spit out, standing up, "It's not our fault, okay! None of the kids here hurt _you_ or _anyone_ you loved. Stop-taking-it-out-on-us!"

Shepard threw all his power, at each word, into a Throw hitting Vyrnnus again and again and again-six blasts. Vyrnnus fell back with the last hit and looked up at Shepard. 

"You know _nothing,"_ he said, slow and deadly, then he got up and stalked out of the room, slamming the doors with an echoed clang.

Shepard stood in the center of the room breathing hard. Kaidan ran toward him but Shepard just glanced over and then turned and stalked out of the open doors, down the hall, and in the direction of their room.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Kaidan asked, running after Shepard and falling into step beside him.

"I'm fine," Shepard barked out and picked up his speed.

 _"Shepard,"_ Kaidan almost begged, grabbing Shepard's arm and turning him around. He was still avoiding Kaidan's eyes so Kaidan guided Shepard's face with his palm, _"Are you okay?_ I need to know!" and then softer, almost a whisper, "I can't bear seeing you get hurt."

Shepard's eyes finally met Kaidan's. His look softened and he gave Kaidan a weak smile, "I'm really okay Kaidan. It takes a lot more than that to stop me."

Kaidan smiled a little back and let out an amused breath, "Yeah, what am I worried about?" he said, soft and sarcastic, "Shepard can save the galaxy with only the sheer power of his stubbornness."

Shepard smiled for real then. "You know it," he said, quiet but smug.

Kaidan let out a sigh, letting this more relaxed moment wash over him. Then he slowly realized he was still cupping Shepard's face. His eyes hadn't moved away from that smile, so now he saw how it changed into a surprised gasp.

"Kaidan..?" Shepard whispered on a breath, and then took a step forward. Finally Kaidan managed to look up to meet Shepard's eyes. Shepard's look was questioning but full of hope. Kaidan took in a sharp breath.

Shepard licked his lips and Kaidan was caught again. They were slowly moving towards each other. It felt like gravity. Kaidan closed his eyes. He could feel the warmth of Shepard's exhale brush his lips. His mind came to focus, sharply, on one thought-

They were going to kiss. Shepard was going to kiss him. Shepard's lips-

But there was a reason why he shouldn't do this, wasn't there? What was it? It? No, her-

"Rahna," Kaidan whispered, his lips grazing Shepard's they were so close. "I'm with Rahna." He opened up his eyes to see Shepard stepping back sharply with a look of pain on his face.

"I know that!" he said, quiet and almost angry. "Do you think I could forget?"

"Then what are you _doing?"_ Kaidan asked, throat tight, in pain because Shepard was in pain.

"I just know what I _want,"_ Shepard answered, "I would never say no if..." Shepard glanced around as if searching for words "...the chance to be with you..." he looked back a Kaidan and quietly finished, _"...I could never turn it down."_

"I'm _so sorry_ Shepard," Kaidan said distraught, and why did this have to be so messed up? "I can't...I never wanted to hurt you-"

"I don't need you to _protect_ me, Kaidan," Shepard interrupted, "I especially don't need you to protect my _feelings,"_ he said it like they were something disgusting, "If you need someone to protect, go find Rahna."

"Shepard-"

But he had already turned and stalked off towards their room without glancing back. Kaidan, at a loss for what to do, walked to his spot on the station in front of the window. He sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands. He tried working out some of this mess in his head, but his thoughts were getting him nowhere.

"I saw you Kaidan. With Shepard," Rahna said, and Kaidan looked up at her.

"And I heard you talking to him," he shot back.

"Oh, I-"

"Nothing happened," he interrupted because he didn't want to hear what she thought was justification for treating Shepard like that.

"I know," she said in an apologetic tone, "but that doesn't matter."

"Why wouldn't it _matter?"_

"Because you wanted it to," she said, like it was that simple.

"Rahna-" he started, trying to explain.

"Tell me you don't want him," she interrupted, "Not even a little."

Kaidan didn't know how to answer her. Wasn't that the exact question he wouldn't let himself ask? He hadn't let himself answer before, so he didn't say anything now.

"I can't compete with him," she continued softly, "and I don't want to."

"You don't have to do this Rahna. We can work this out." 

"I think we should go back to being friends," she said shakily, putting her arms around herself and avoiding Kaidan's eyes.

He squeezed his eyes shut. Everything was falling apart. Shepard was upset with him and this thing with Rahna, he had wanted it for so long. He still wanted it. But he didn't know how to fix _anything_ right now.

"I don't want to be just _friends,_ Rahna," Kaidan said on a sigh.

"I'm sorry Kaidan," she turned away, still refusing to meet his eyes, "I...have to go," she said, and then rushed away.

Kaidan thought about skipping dinner so he didn't have to see either of them, but he had never been one to run away from anything so he walked into the mess hall, head held high. He wasn't even going to avoid their glares if they gave any.

Rahna glanced up at him when he came in, but then quickly back down. Kaidan looked over at Shepard. The look that met his was angry and hurt but it became concerned when Shepard took in Kaidan's expression. Kaidan must look worse than he thought.

He decided to walk over to sit next to Anna, at least one relationship he had wasn't complicated right now. Unfortunately for Kaidan, Shepard was on the other side of Anna, and their eyes met for a second over Anna's head. He saw Shepard search his face, trying to figure out if Kaidan was really okay. The concern took over the anger but the hurt look never left. It was strange, the pain made him beautiful, in a sad way, and Kaidan couldn't look away. Shepard didn't either. For a moment it felt like they were the only ones in the galaxy...

"I'm too tired Vyrnnus, _please,"_ Rahna said, her voice breaking their spell. Kaidan turned to see Rahna reaching for a glass of water which Vyrnnus had obviously just moved away.

So it was one of _those_ days. _Great._ Like he really needed a meal where he had to eat all his food using his biotics instead of his hands. Kaidan sighed and then did a double take, Rahna's extended arm was shaking. She must be _really_ tired. Or upset...

"I will not have you showing such weakness, Vyrnna!" the turian said, and then pushed her arm away with his powers.

 _Vyrnna?_ What? And why was Vyrnnus still pushing this, it was obvious Rahna couldn't do what he was asking right now. There was even blood on her sleeve where she must have wiped it off earlier.

"Let go of me!" Rahna said angrily and glared, pulling away from his hold.

"No!" Vyrnnus said, to everyone's surprise, and tightened his fist, restricting Rahna more.

"Vyrnnus, stop! _Please,"_ she said, pain evident in her voice, and then she tried to pull away just as Vyrnnus pulled forward. They heard a crack and Rahna screamed.

She bit the scream off quickly but the resulting silence was deathly. It felt like everyone was holding their breath in horror. Rahna held her arm awkwardly in front of her, and silent tears streamed down her face. Her arm was _broken. Vyrnnus had broken Rahna's arm!_

The turian stepped back like he was surprised at what he'd done. Then he appeared to recover and said, soft and almost sad, "Look at the stupid thing you've done, Rahna." 

They all stared at him in disbelief.

"You _asshole,"_ Shepard growled, breaking the silence. Kaidan turned sharply to find Shepard standing, fists up and covered in blue.

 _"Shepard!"_ Kaidan yelled, staring him down. _Don't! Don't you dare,_ he tried to demand with his look. Thankfully, for once Shepard listened and sat back down, although his fists were shaking like he was just barely keeping himself still.

Kaidan turned back to Vyrnnus and he met the turian's eyes with a glare. "Why can't you leave us _alone?_ " Kaidan demanded.

"And let you destroy yourselves? Is _that_ what you want?" Vyrnnus formed his hands into fists, "You are all so disgustingly weak minded!"

"Don't you have _any_ morals? You broke her arm!"

Vyrnnus' eyes darted to Rahna but then he focused back on Kaidan. He said, quiet but dark, "Would you like me to break your arm too. To make it _even_ Alenko? How is that for your stupid fucking morals?" Blue power started forming in twisting strands along his arms.

"You're not getting away with this," Kaidan said, refusing to be bullied, "I'm going to make sure you leave and _never_ come back!"

"So confident in your abilities are you?" and that was the warning Kaidan had before Vyrnnus stepped forward to use Reave. It bounced harmlessly off Kaidan's quickly formed Barrier. He thought he was safe but then Vyrnnus pulled out a knife. Kaidan's Barrier would do nothing against a-

Before he really knew what was happening Vyrnnus had slammed Kaidan into the wall and had the knife, a military-issue Talon, sharp against Kaidan's throat. "We should have bombed you back to the Stone Age when we had the chance," Vyrnnus yelled and Kaidan's eyes went large as he realized Vyrnnus might actually kill him.

Then he just got _angry._ So angry. About what Vyrnnus had done to them, all of them and especially to Rahna, especially to Shepard. He was so upset about how things were falling apart, and he just...let his power go.

Vyrnnus flew back and the knife left his hand to slide across the floor. Kaidan got ready for the next attack he knew was coming...except it didn't.

Vyrnnus wasn't moving. 

They all stared, waiting. Waiting for the furious explosion Vyrnnus was going to have when he got up...

...when he...woke up?

But nothing happened.

Kaidan sensed the students' increasing panic, and Anna walked over to Vyrnnus. Kaidan felt Shepard's hand on his arm and Shepard's strong presence beside him. But Kaidan just couldn't seem to look away from the unmoving turian.

Vyrnnus was sprawled on the floor across the room and his eyes were looking up, towards the ceiling. Anna looked up at Kaidan from her position kneeling beside him and Kaidan finally looked at her.

"He's dead Kaidan," she whispered in shock.

Kaidan's mind went blank.

Then...

...Vyrnnus was dead...Vyrnnus was dead and Kaidan _-had-killed-him._

_No!_

No! He hadn't meant to...he never meant to really _hurt_ Vyrnnus. Kaidan didn't like hurting _anyone._ He only wanted to protect.

To protect Rahna...

He turned back to the girl he had been trying to defend. "Rahna are you okay?" Kaidan asked, his voice torn up. He could hear her quiet whimpers. He reached out to her to see how injured her arm was and she shied away from him like he was going to hurt her.

"Don't touch me," she said.

"Rahna, I won't hurt you. I promise I'll be gentle. Let me see your arm."

"No," she said, shaking her head, "Kaidan, you _murdered_ him. He's...he's dead. Because of _you."_

He looked at her distraught, "I didn't mean to, I didn't want to kill him. I just...didn't want him to hurt you anymore. I don't want you to have to be afraid."

"I never wanted _this,"_ she said, refusing to look at Kaidan or in the direction of Vyrnnus. "Don't ever say you did this for me. Please don't ever say that," she whispered.

"You know I didn't mean it, Rahna, you have to know that," he said desperately as he went to kneel next to her.

"I don't want you to touch me," she said frantically before he could get close. "I'm afraid of _you!_ What you just did...you lost control...Kaidan, you scare me more than he ever did," she finished, her voice falling to almost a whisper.

"What?" he said, his voice raw, "Rahna...-"

"What's going on here?" one of the administrators asked as he ran up to them. A younger student must have gone to get him. The man kneeled down next to Vyrnnus, checking him, and then, "Everyone, I want you to go to your rooms. _Right now,"_ he said urgently.

Everyone started moving at once but Kaidan couldn't. Shepard had to drag him to their room because Kaidan wasn't registering anything. He only noticed when he was shoved through the doorway and the door was locked behind him.

"Grab your stuff, one bag," Shepard said in a deliberately calm voice, "I have an escape plan. I think we've got half an hour until they notice we've gone."

"Shepard...Rahna-"

"Fuck Rahna, we have to go!" Shepard yelled, dropping the calm and belaying his actual state.

"I'm not going with you, Shepard!" Kaidan shot back, "I'm not running. I'll do whatever they want."

"What good are you going to do _anyone_ by staying here?"

"I don't know. I just...Rahna..." he ran his hands through his hair, "she thinks I'm a murderer," he whispered, pained.

"She's wrong! She's stupid! Dammit Kaidan-"

"I need to go see her," he interrupted, not wanting to hear the rest of what Shepard wanted to say. "I can't bear having her afraid of me. I didn't mean to-she has to understand. She..." his throat closed and he couldn't continue. He turned to leave but then Shepard's arms wrapped around his waist.

"Kaidan _stop,"_ Shepard begged, "Please don't leave. Stay with me." Shepard was warm and comforting at his back.

It felt almost suffocating.

"Let-me-go." Kaidan said, his voice coming out flat and low.

"No," Shepard said, squeezing him tighter.

"I could make you let me go," Kaidan said, almost a growl, and then he realized something else. He was _powerful._ He was _dangerous._ Rahna was _right._

"I'm not afraid of you," Shepard whispered, close to his ear, like he knew exactly what Kaidan was thinking.

 _Why? Why_ did Shepard have to sound so _understanding?_ Like it didn't matter. Like killing someone-

Kaidan jerked out of Shepard's arms. _"You should be afraid of me!"_ he said without turning to look at Shepard, "I'm upset...unstable, I..." he trailed off. He felt _so lost._

"You would _never_ hurt me," Shepard said, and there wasn't a trace of doubt in his voice.

Kaidan turned sharply and shoved Shepard against the wall, pinning his wrists above his head. "I could make another mistake!" he yelled, the words sounding weird out of his tight throat. "I could hurt you without wanting to!" _Why couldn't Shepard understand this?_ He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, "I could k...I could kill you," he said softer, his voice catching on the last two words, "just like Vyrnnus."

Shepard locked his eyes with Kaidan's, "I'm-Not-Going-Anywhere," Shepard said, enunciating each word. His wrists were shaking in Kaidan's hold. Kaidan sucked in a breath and he stepped sharply back as he realized Shepard was trembling. _Was he afraid? What had Kaidan_ **done** _?_

He searched Shepard's face but...he didn't find fear. Shepard was shaking and breathing too fast, but the look he was giving Kaidan...

Shepard wasn't scared. He was shaking because he _wanted_ Kaidan. _How_ could Shepard still _want_ him? Kaidan had _killed_ someone. Rahna couldn't even stand to look at him. And then here was Shepard, and he still wanted...

still loved...

Kaidan felt like he couldn't breathe, and when Shepard licked his lips, Kaidan couldn't see anything else, couldn't think anymore, he had to...

His mouth was on Shepard's, his hands cupping Shepard's face, and it was like Shepard melted into him. Their mouths opened to each other, and Kaidan felt like he needed Shepard like he needed air. Shepard pulled their bodies together and their mouths broke apart...

"Oh, fuck Kaidan...want you so bad..."

...the way Shepard's body felt-it was too much...

"Shepard...I-"

"Don't stop, _please don't stop,"_ Shepard begged. Like that was even a _choice_ right now? Kaidan could feel Shepard was hard against his hip and _...ohh..._ it felt so intoxicating. _He_ was making Shepard feel...

And he'd never _thought_ before Shepard that this was something he could want. But it was _Shepard_ and Shepard was _his._ His to protect. His to love. He took Shepard's mouth back, their tongues sliding together. He wanted to touch more of what he was suddenly allowed to have.

He trailed his hands down Shepard's chest and grabbed Shepard's waist, sliding his hands under Shepard's shirt he met warm smooth skin. Shepard moved his hands up and tangled them in Kaidan's hair.

Kaidan slid his hands all the way around Shepard's thin but strong waist. He tried to move Shepard's shirt up, Shepard felt so good in his arms, he wanted more of Shepard's skin against his, but this stupid shirt was in his way...

"I need this-" 

"Yes," Shepard said, rushing to pull it over his head. And then he was back in Kaidan's hands. Oh, wow. He couldn't even...Shepard was just...

He placed his hands on Shepard's stomach, tracing the faint lines of Shepard's abs with his thumbs. Beautiful.

"I can't focus while you're doing that," Shepard said, his voice a mix between a moan and a groan. Shepard was doing something to his shirt...unbuttoning it...

Kaidan found a place to put his hands to keep them still. He slid his fingers in between the waistband of Shepard's pants and the dips next to his hips. His hands were so close to--

"Fuck, that's not better," Shepard said breathlessly, and then just yanked, bypassing the last two buttons of Kaidan's shirt completely. Shepard pushed Kaidan's shirt off his shoulders and pulled their bodies back together. The feeling of his bare skin against Shepard's--he wanted to get even closer. He pushed them backward until Shepard's back hit the wall.

Then he put his face next to Shepard's neck and just breathed. The scent almost made him dizzy. _How_ could someone smell _so good?_

He opened his mouth, reached out with his tongue, and tasted. Licked and then sucked the taste of Shepard into his mouth.

"Fuck Kaidan," Shepard breathed, his fingers tangling in Kaidan's hair again.

Kaidan kissed up Shepard's neck and jaw. He cupped Shepard's face and took Shepard's mouth back with his, sucking Shepard's lip into his mouth and worrying it with his teeth. Then he kissed Shepard's nose and forehead and cheek. Mine, all "mine," his mind whispered.

"Yes. Only yours," Shepard said, answering Kaidan's voiced thought.

Kaidan rested their foreheads together and breathed. If Shepard was his then he _wanted_...he stepped back and trailed his hands down to undo Shepard's belt, unbutton and unzip Shepard's pants, and then slide them off his hips, just enough to reveal and put his hand around...Kaidan bit his lip and felt his cock throb at the sight of Shepard's dick in his hand.

It was a little smaller than his and it felt hot and good and _so hard._ Shepard must want Kaidan so bad to be this hard for him. Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut as his body reacted to that thought. _"Fuck-"_

 _"Oh,"_ Shepard moaned and Kaidan looked up. Shepard was leaning against the wall like he couldn't hold himself up. He had his eyes closed and his hands on his head like he could barely handle what Kaidan was doing to him. He looked _wreaked._ And _Kaidan_ was doing this to him. Shepard looked breathtaking and Kaidan couldn't breathe.

Naked, he wanted Shepard naked _right now._

Kaidan guided Shepard to the bed and they fell onto it, tangled together, with Kaidan straddling Shepard's hips. He met Shepard's eyes looking for any reluctance or second thoughts. Shepard met Kaidan's look with one of pure and desperate want and then Kaidan _had_ to take Shepard's mouth with his.

The rough part of Shepard's tongue teased the smooth part of Kaidan's and he moaned. Shepard moaned in response and Kaidan felt the hum of it go to his head. His cock throbbed at the sound. He wanted to rub down against Shepard so bad but he needed more skin. Less clothes. He slowed the kiss with a nip at Shepard's lip and then got back off the bed.

He removed Shepard's shoes and socks, tossing them away, then dipped his fingers past the line of Shepard's pants. Shepard lifted his hips and Kaidan slid Shepard's jeans and boxers the rest of the way off, his eyes trailing Shepard's legs as he revealed more of Shepard's body. It felt like unwrapping the most perfect present.

He dropped the pants to the side and stepped back. Then he just gaped. Shepard looked amazing and beautiful and everything Kaidan wanted. _"Fuck,"_ Kaidan said because he couldn't help it.

Shepard moaned then leaned his head back, squeezing his eyes shut, "How can you be _this amazing?"_ he said, "It's so fucking hot when you say that."

Kaidan took several breaths. "Shep, I can't even..." Kaidan tried to say but then Shepard reached down and wrapped his hand around his erection, sliding up and down once, _"Fuck,"_ Kaidan said as he lost all train of thought and reached down to rub himself through his pants.

Shepard's eyes darted down and then back to Kaidan's. "Kaidan, I need to see you," he said, breathless and desperate.

"Okay..." Kaidan said, the hint of nerves quickly drowned out by the naked want in Shepard's expression.

Kaidan toed off his shoes and then socks, almost stumbling in his haste. Then he reached down to unhook his belt and looked up to meet Shepard's eyes again. Shepard's hands had moved to grip the comforter like he was barely holding himself back from attacking Kaidan.

 _"Mmh,"_ Kaidan let out an involuntary whimper and bit his lip. The thought of Shepard wanting Kaidan so bad. Shepard was driving him crazy looking like that.

Kaidan undid his pants and then pushed them all the way down. He stood back up so Shepard could see all of him. Shepard's eyes roamed over Kaidan's body.

"Fuck, Kaidan," Shepard said and then bit his lip, his cock moving with a spike of arousal.

Kaidan rushed back over and onto the bed. He held himself above Shepard and between Shepard's legs. He searched Shepard's face and then he leaned down and softly teased Shepard's lips with his. Shepard moaned into his mouth and then reached up, cupping Kaidan's face, thumb caressing Kaidan's cheek. Shepard wrapped his legs around Kaidan and pulled him closer. The kiss became more heated, their mouths opening to each other, as Kaidan let himself be drawn down, his body resting partly on Shepard's.

Shepard arched up, rolling his hips against Kaidan's. The pressure and the feeling of Shepard's cock next to his-it was just- _"Ohh..."_ Kaidan said, breaking the kiss, and resting his head in the crook of Shepard's neck. He felt like he was going out of his _mind._

"Fuck...Kaidan...you're... _so good,"_ Shepard said and Kaidan felt Shepard's fingers tangle in his hair.

And Kaidan just _wanted_...he wanted Shepard and he wanted to give Shepard everything. More affection, more love. He wanted Shepard to know how special he was to Kaidan. He kissed the skin below his mouth and then Shepard's collarbone and down Shepard's chest, he reached Shepard's nipple and placed the flat of his tongue against it then licked.

Shepard trembled and let out a whimper so Kaidan did it again. Then he lipped and nipped and sucked until Shepard sounded like _he_ was going out of his mind. The way Shepard was writhing and the sounds he was making, Kaidan could barely even-

"Kaidan," Shepard said, his voice sounded so breathless and desperate, _"Kaidan,"_ Shepard grabbed Kaidan's hair gently, he moaned and then whispered, "I want you to have sex with me."

"What?" Sex? Sex with Shepard? Kaidan looked up, surprised and worried and full of heart crushing adoration, "I...I don't know what to do," he said. He'd never done this before, not with anybody.

"I do. It will be fine. I promise."

Kaidan stopped breathing, "Please tell me you haven't-that someone hasn't-" _mine, only mine,_ his mind screamed.

"I haven't," Shepard reassured him quickly and then softly, "I've always wanted it to be you."

"Oh fuck," he said, resting his head on Shepard's chest. He didn't know what to do with this. All of this.

"Please, Kaidan," Shepard whispered, running his fingers through Kaidan's hair, "Please say yes."

Kaidan looked up into Shepard's eyes. "Yes," he said, he had never wanted _anything_ so much before this, "of course, yes."

Shepard nodded, pushed Kaidan gently up and got up off the bed. Kaidan watched as he went to grab a tube out of his bag. The way Shepard moved, the lines of Shepard's back, the perfect curve of his ass, it was almost more than Kaidan could bear.

Shepard came back and moved a pillow. Then he laid down so it was under his lower back and Kaidan was sitting back on his heels between Shepard's legs. Shepard reached for Kaidan's hand, he place a kiss on Kaidan's palm, and then squeezed the gel from the tube onto Kaidan's fingers. Shepard brought Kaidan's hand down between his legs, "I need you to stretch me out," he said and then bit his lip.

"Okay..." Kaidan swallowed, nervous. He reached down and teased the entrance, smearing the gel around Shepard's puckered hole, and then slid his finger in. _Fuck._ It was so warm and soft and unbelievably erotic. Kaidan moaned and Shepard whimpered.

Kaidan's eyes swung to Shepard's, "Shep, did I-"

"No, it's fine," Shepard interrupted before he could freak out, "It doesn't hurt at all. I just," he made a quiet sound, an exhale both incredulous and happy, "I just love it that you're touching me."

Okay, Kaidan inhaled deep, trying to calm himself. That was encouraging. But this whole thing, it was a lot scarier than he thought it would be. He was so afraid he might hurt Shepard. But then he had another thought. Something that might help both of them. He shifted back and then leaned in and placed his lips against the head of Shepard's cock like a kiss.

"What are you..." Shepard started to say, but then Kaidan stuck his tongue out and licked up the length of him. _"Oh, fuck!"_ Shepard said, grabbing the sheets.

So Shepard had never gotten a blow job before. Good. That's good. Because Kaidan had never given one before. Actually, Kaidan had never received one either, so he _really_ didn't know what he was doing. But at least he knew the basics of _this._

Kaidan put his mouth around Shepard and then slid down, as deep as could. He sucked and swallowed and then slid back up for air, running his tongue along the sensitive underside. Down again until Shepard's cock was against the back of his throat, suck and lick back up. When he felt like he could do this and focus on the other thing, he slid his finger out and back in. Out and back in. _Damn._ So _good._

"Another," Shepard whispered so Kaidan slowly slid a second finger in. Shepard arched up, moving with Kaidan, stretching himself out on Kaidan's fingers. The noises Shepard made, Kaidan hummed in response around Shepard's erection. A keening moan followed by a broken gasp, _fuck,_ Kaidan's cock throbbed at the sound, begging for attention.

"Another," Shepard demanded and Kaidan obeyed. He felt so close to Shepard like this, so amazed that Shepard was trusting him so much. Letting Kaidan do this to him. And Shepard was falling apart in his hands.

Kaidan watched, enthralled. Shepard ran his hands over his head, arching so beautifully and breathed out, "K, stop stop stop stop, I can't...I want _-I need you_ inside me." Heat spiked through Kaidan and he couldn't think for a moment.

He licked up Shepard's cock, then, "Okay, okay," he said and slowly pulled his fingers out. He shifted up close to Shepard and Shepard moved his legs so one of his ankles was resting on Kaidan's shoulder and the other was supported by Kaidan's left arm. Kaidan lined himself up, his thighs next to Shepard's hips and placed the head of his cock teasingly next to Shepard's hole, sliding against it with precome. The intense focused feeling of it made it seem like that was the only part of his body that was real.

"Shep," Kaidan took a couple breaths trying to calm himself, "are you...are you..sure?" he asked, he _needed_ this to be what Shepard wanted.

"Yes, fuck, yes," Shepard said desperately, so Kaidan pushed in. Oh, it was _so_ tight and warm and... Kaidan wasn't going to be able to last long like this. He needed to-

He reached out, wrapping his hand around Shepard's cock and pumped up and down. Then he rolled his hips in sync, sliding smoothly in and out, in out...

"Oh, Shep," Kaidan whispered, squeezing his eyes shut against the sight of Shepard below him. He was _so close._ How could someone feel so much at once? Feel this much and not die from it. 

He sped his hand up to bring Shepard closer. He wouldn't last, he had to make it until-

"Fuck Kaidan, I'm going t..."

The feel of Shepard going impossibly hard and then pulsing in his hand, strands of white leaving his tip, the surprise and bliss on Shepard's face-it was too much-Kaidan couldn't-he had to _-yes-yes-fuck yes-_

The feeling started in his tip and spread through his whole body and mind. He was _-oh, Shep-_ he was riding the waves of it and, _fuck,_ it's not _stopping._ He couldn't think anything but blinding white pleasure and _yes Shep, fuck yes Shep, so good-_

He came down off his high breathing hard through his mouth against Shepard's leg and then placed a sloppy kiss where his lips were resting. A shaky whimper left his mouth and he realized he was trembling.

He pulled himself slowly out and then leaned over to kiss Shepard on the lips. He cupped Shepard's face and felt dampness. "Shep..." Kaidan said, still breathless, "Shep...are you...are you crying?" How...what-

"Yeah, but...I don't know why," Shepard said, breathless too. He tried to wipe some of the wetness off his face, "that was just so much and so _good,_ Kaidan...I...I don't know why I-," he huffed a watery laugh, "...I feel like such an idiot right now."

"Don't, it's okay, it's okay, you look beautiful," Kaidan said, moving his thumb across Shepard's cheek in a caress, and then he kissed the salty tears off Shepard's face.

"Wow, Kaidan," Shepard said with a fond laugh, "you are _so_ sappy, you know that?" Kaidan could hear the contented smile in Shepard's voice.

"I love you," Kaidan answered instead and Shepard took in a sharp breath. And then Kaidan realized he hadn't said it out loud yet. Hadn't said it the hundred different times he had thought it. Shepard _hadn't known_ for sure.

He wanted to apologize for letting Shepard wonder but Shepard just looked up at him, so happy. "I love you too K," he said and reached up to Kaidan's face, "I love you so much."

And Kaidan had to kiss him again, the kisses soft and languid but intimate. _I love you, I love you,_ he tried to say with each of them.

Kaidan's arm started shaking so Shepard slid over to let Kaidan lay next to him. Kaidan put his hand on Shepard's chest...and felt something sticky. Kaidan realized their mess was drying on Shepard's chest and stomach.

"Oh, sorry about-" Shepard started to say.

"No," Kaidan interrupted, "I want to...let me...take care of you," Kaidan said and Shepard nodded.

Kaidan went into the bathroom and reached for a cloth but then looked at his hand covered in Shepard's cum. Suddenly curious, he brought it to his mouth and licked the substance off his palm. The taste was...strange but the thought of Shepard's come in his mouth was...really erotic. He realized he wanted, very badly, to suck Shepard off again. To have Shepard orgasm down his throat. 

Wow. Well, he was completely sure now, defiantly not straight. That was...surprisingly fine. Kaidan was okay with that.

He washed his hands and brought a dampened cloth out. But then he had to stop and just look at Shepard. Shepard was sprawled and lounging, hands behind his head, one knee propped up. His eyes met Kaidan's and his expression was a mix between smug and shy. He was unbelievably cute and sexy and so very Kaidan's.

Yeah, not straight and definitely okay with that.

Kaidan walked over and gently cleaned Shepard's chest then between his legs, placing kisses on the freshly cleaned skin. Shepard didn't say anything, but he watched, wonder and love in his smile.

Kaidan put the wash cloth back and returned, turned off the lights, and settled on the bed. Kaidan curled his body around Shepard's, kissed Shepard's shoulder and then ran his fingertips absently across the lines of Shepard's chest and stomach.

Shepard felt warm and soft and so very perfect, and Kaidan let his eyes slide shut. Shepard mumbled something like _"...want us to always be together..."_ and Kaidan made a contented hum then let his consciousness slip away with Shepard's heartbeat under his palm.

Kaidan woke up slowly with a warm and ridiculously happy feeling blanketing his thoughts. He smiled and took in a deep breath of something that smelled amazing. Then he frowned and made several important observations very quickly--his leg was thrown over another person--his head was cuddled on a shoulder--an arm was around his back--

and Kaidan's arm was across a male chest--

Shepard.

...

..

.

_No!_

He sat up so fast his vision blurred and everything slammed back into his head.

No no no no. Please _no!_ Let it have been a dream. Please let it just have been a dream.

But it wasn't. It was real. It was _all real._ Vyrnnus dead...Rahna gone...and Shepard...

...He'd _fucked_ his friend.

Kaidan started to feel like his lungs couldn't take in air. He was breathing too fast. He put his feet on the floor and then leaned over his legs clutching his head in his hands. How _could_ he have...

He'd fucked his _fourteen-year-old friend last night!_

What kind of man was he?

This wasn't _...how_ had he _let_ himself _...what_ was he going to do _now?_

Kaidan turned to look at Shepard. His eyes trailed down Shepard's beautiful sleeping form. He'd fucked...he'd fucked...

Kaidan felt his cock harden-

_Dammit! No!_

_Fuck!_ He _still_ wanted to. Kaidan ran his hands down his face. He _so badly_ wanted to do it again. He felt sick and wrong and torn and nervous and excited and just _so confused. ___

He had to leave. He couldn't bear to stay here right now.

He got up and grabbed a bag, only throwing the things he couldn't live without into it. In five minutes he stood in the middle of the room, ready to go, staring at his sleeping Shepard.

He walked over and touched Shepard's buzzed head softly then he leaned down and kissed Shepard's temple.

"I'm sorry, Shep," he whispered, touching their foreheads together, "I can't...I can't do this right now. I can't handle it. We'll see each other again someday, I promise. Just not right now, okay?"

He got up and walked over to the door but instead of opening it he rested his head against it. He couldn't do this, he couldn't leave Shepard. Not just when they _finally_ found each other again.

But he _had_ to. _Kaidan wasn't okay right now._ He wasn't stable. He was dangerous and...

And worst of all, there was no way, in all the worlds, that he was going to be able to keep his hands off Shepard. He wouldn't be able to wait until Shepard was older. He had never wanted something as much as he wanted Shepard right now.

Kaidan took a very shaky breath and stepped back, opening the door. He looked over at his friend one last time, "I love you Shepard," he said softly.

And then he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Spoiler teaser for "What They Saved The Galaxy For," the next installment of the Two Reasons Series._  
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>  Kaidan had heard they were getting a Commander John Shepard on the Normandy, and for a moment he'd thought, _my Shepard?_ But, no, that couldn't be right. _His_ Shepard didn't _have_ a first name. _So, who the hell was John Shepard?_
> 
> But he had suspected, even though it'd only been for a moment. And now Kaidan was standing here, staring at his...this...man, and he had no idea what to do.
> 
>   _Why hadn't he been ready for this?_
> 
> For updates on the status of Reasons part 3 go to [Reasons Update](http://prettysemmy.tumblr.com/tagged/Reasons-Update) on my Tumblr.


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